I've been having a technological nightmare over the past couple of weeks
My desktop computer has always performed fairly well and not given any trouble but last week my Kaspersky Internet Security software decided to throw a wobbly.
It began by plastering my monitor screen with lurid red error messages informing me that 'an update couldn't be performed' so I found my way into the system with scant information provided and attempted to do a manual update as recommended in the instructions, which seemed to assume that everyone who had been dumb enough to spend £29.99 on their useless product was a software genius.
The update failed which gave rise to yet more lurid red error messages and I decided to go to the next stage which involved deleting the software and then re-installing it.
I deleted it ok but then I couldn't find out how to re-install the product and there were no clues anywhere.
Just then my email packed up!
I could read messages but not send any replies or emails of any kind on my regular private email account which at this time of year is really bad news, all I got was 'Windows has a problem and has to shut down' before the email interface disappeared.
In the meantime I still had to carry out my regular domestic duties of 24 hour a day chauffeur, personal shopper, shopping bag porter and bearer of heavy loads, handyman, gardener, Christmas tree arranger, personal companion, jester, maker of mince pies and back massager.
To make matters worse after years of not bothering with a mobile phone I used money left over from my 60th in November to buy a new fangled finger pointy android phone which might one day connect to the internet, do tweets (whatever the hell they are), send multiple messages all at the same time whilst telling me where I am, what the time is and whether it's raining outside
I managed to conect this wonder of modern communication to my computer and after a day or so I even managed to persuade my computer to recognise the fact that it had the usb thingy from my phone stuck right in it's jacksy and that my phone really exists after hours and hours of the bland screen message that informed me in no uncertain terms that my 'cellphone was not connected' when I damn well knew that it was because it's here in front of me!
Of course while all this was going on the aforementioned red error messages from Kaspersky continued to adorn my monitor screen like an ergonomic fireworks display so it was not all that surprising that in the midst of the kerfuffle I somehow managed to lose the PAYG top up card for 'Jodderell Bank' (which is what I've decided to call this new phone if I can ever get it to work properly).
In spite of my repeated messages requesting help or assistance to Kaspersky via their technical assistance email facility before my emails bit the dust I haven't been contacted by them although I've had automated messages to say that 'my problem is being looked in to' which is probably their way of saying 'Get lost and use the 10p per minute premium rate call centre hot line like every other dumb idiot who was gullible enough to succumb to the avalanche of their email reminders when it was time for a renewal.
Not being able to reply to emails I passed some of the time in between shopping expeditions by reading the pdf user guide for the phone, the hours just flew by and I've almost got to page 4 now
I'm really none the wiser, I have to keep re-reading bits but then I become diverted by something else and there seems to be at least three different ways of doing everything on this phone which often appears to decide for itself what it thinks you want to do.
I've considered trying some lighter reading matter like the instructions for piloting a space shuttle or how to perform diy brain surgery but if I'm ever going to be able to use this phone to it's full potential I'll have to stick with the manual (or ask my number 3 son to have a look and tell me how it works
).
I fondly imagined being able to sit awhile at a coffee stall in the giant shopping malls while Herself goes into her usual shopping frenzy and disappears into various shops before deciding to buy the first item that she'd seen and I could 'contact' her by phone if and when the need arose.
I might even have been able to have a wander over to that shop that sells large remote control helicopters, I could perhaps get one for my infant Granddaughter and look after it for 15 years or so until she's old enough to use it.
All I have to do next is to work out how to hit the 'interactive screen' in the right place with my pudgy fingers, I get everything except the proper number.
Come back my magnolia emulsion splattered scratched and battered BT doorstep phone of 1999, all is forgiven!
My desktop computer has always performed fairly well and not given any trouble but last week my Kaspersky Internet Security software decided to throw a wobbly.
It began by plastering my monitor screen with lurid red error messages informing me that 'an update couldn't be performed' so I found my way into the system with scant information provided and attempted to do a manual update as recommended in the instructions, which seemed to assume that everyone who had been dumb enough to spend £29.99 on their useless product was a software genius.
The update failed which gave rise to yet more lurid red error messages and I decided to go to the next stage which involved deleting the software and then re-installing it.
I deleted it ok but then I couldn't find out how to re-install the product and there were no clues anywhere.
Just then my email packed up!
I could read messages but not send any replies or emails of any kind on my regular private email account which at this time of year is really bad news, all I got was 'Windows has a problem and has to shut down' before the email interface disappeared.
In the meantime I still had to carry out my regular domestic duties of 24 hour a day chauffeur, personal shopper, shopping bag porter and bearer of heavy loads, handyman, gardener, Christmas tree arranger, personal companion, jester, maker of mince pies and back massager.
To make matters worse after years of not bothering with a mobile phone I used money left over from my 60th in November to buy a new fangled finger pointy android phone which might one day connect to the internet, do tweets (whatever the hell they are), send multiple messages all at the same time whilst telling me where I am, what the time is and whether it's raining outside
I managed to conect this wonder of modern communication to my computer and after a day or so I even managed to persuade my computer to recognise the fact that it had the usb thingy from my phone stuck right in it's jacksy and that my phone really exists after hours and hours of the bland screen message that informed me in no uncertain terms that my 'cellphone was not connected' when I damn well knew that it was because it's here in front of me!
Of course while all this was going on the aforementioned red error messages from Kaspersky continued to adorn my monitor screen like an ergonomic fireworks display so it was not all that surprising that in the midst of the kerfuffle I somehow managed to lose the PAYG top up card for 'Jodderell Bank' (which is what I've decided to call this new phone if I can ever get it to work properly).
In spite of my repeated messages requesting help or assistance to Kaspersky via their technical assistance email facility before my emails bit the dust I haven't been contacted by them although I've had automated messages to say that 'my problem is being looked in to' which is probably their way of saying 'Get lost and use the 10p per minute premium rate call centre hot line like every other dumb idiot who was gullible enough to succumb to the avalanche of their email reminders when it was time for a renewal.
Not being able to reply to emails I passed some of the time in between shopping expeditions by reading the pdf user guide for the phone, the hours just flew by and I've almost got to page 4 now
I'm really none the wiser, I have to keep re-reading bits but then I become diverted by something else and there seems to be at least three different ways of doing everything on this phone which often appears to decide for itself what it thinks you want to do.
I've considered trying some lighter reading matter like the instructions for piloting a space shuttle or how to perform diy brain surgery but if I'm ever going to be able to use this phone to it's full potential I'll have to stick with the manual (or ask my number 3 son to have a look and tell me how it works
I fondly imagined being able to sit awhile at a coffee stall in the giant shopping malls while Herself goes into her usual shopping frenzy and disappears into various shops before deciding to buy the first item that she'd seen and I could 'contact' her by phone if and when the need arose.
I might even have been able to have a wander over to that shop that sells large remote control helicopters, I could perhaps get one for my infant Granddaughter and look after it for 15 years or so until she's old enough to use it.
All I have to do next is to work out how to hit the 'interactive screen' in the right place with my pudgy fingers, I get everything except the proper number.
Come back my magnolia emulsion splattered scratched and battered BT doorstep phone of 1999, all is forgiven!
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