Jokes,Trivia,Gossip.

Mar 14, 2005
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I always look at this section of the site when I need cheering up, but of late each time I look it makes me more depressed!!

Here's a story to hopefully make you smile and maybe some of you will follow it up with one of your own?

Please let's give the 'who said what & why & under what name' thread a rest for a bit. PLEASE?

Coma story.

A woman's husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months,

yet she had stayed by his bedside every single day.

One day, he motioned for her to come nearer.

She sat by him, he whispered, eyes full of tears,

"You know what?

You have been with me all through the bad times.

When I got fired, you were there to support me.

When my business failed, you were there.

When I got shot, you were by my side.

When we lost the house, you stayed right here.

When my health started failing, you were still by my side...You know what?"

"What dear?" she gently asked, smiling as her heart began to fill with warmth.

"I think you're bad luck,

get the f*** away from me."
 
Nov 2, 2006
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Hi Gooner,

Very funny just needed that this morning, got up feeling tired and fed up same old things to do every day thought i'd come on here for while, glad i did now i can get on with work again smiling.

Anymore jokes????
 
May 3, 2006
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Here's one for all you people who enjoy a laugh.

A big Texan stopped at a local restaurant following a day roaming around in Mexico .

While sipping his tequila, he noticed a sizzling, scrumptious looking platter being served at the next table.

Not only did it look good, the smell was wonderful.

He asked the waiter, "What is that you just served?"

The waiter replied, "Ah senor, you have excellent taste! Those are called Cojones de Toro, bull's testicles from the bull fight this morning. A delicacy!"

The cowboy said, "What the heck, bring me an order."

The waiter replied, "I am so sorry senor. There is only one serving per day because there is only one bull fight each morning. If you come early and place your order, we will be sure to save you this delicacy."

The next morning, the cowboy returned, placed his order, and that evening was served the one and only special delicacy of the day. After a few bites, inspecting his platter, he called to the waiter and said,

"These are delicious, but they are much, much smaller than the ones I saw you serve yesterday."

The waiter shrugged his shoulders and replied, "Si,Senor. Sometimes the bull wins.

Regards

Leso
 
Jan 19, 2008
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FANCY DRESS PARTY

A man with a bald head and a wooden leg is invited to a fancy dress party. He doesn't know what to wear to hide his head and his wooden leg, so he writes to a fancy dress company to explain his problem.

A few days later he receives a parcel with a note:

Dear Sir,

Please find enclosed a pirate's outfit. The spotted handkerchief will cover your bald head and with your wooden leg you will be just right as a Pirate.

The man thinks this is terrible because they have just emphasized his disability, so he writes a letter of complaint.

A week passes and he received another parcel and note:

Dear Sir,

Sorry about the previous parcel. Please find enclosed a monk's habit.

The long robe will cover your wooden leg and with your bald head you will really look the part.

The man is really furious now, because the company has gone from emphasizing his wooden leg to drawing attention to his bald head.

So he writes a really rude letter of complaint.

A few days later he gets a very small parcel from the company with the accompanying letter:

Dear Sir,

Please find enclosed a tin of Golden Syrup.

We suggest you pour the tin of Golden Syrup over your bald head, stick your wooden leg up your a**e, and go as a ****ing toffee apple.
 
Jan 19, 2008
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TESCO'S GREETER

A very loud, large, hirsute and unattractive, hard-faced woman walks into Tesco dragging her two kids in tow, screaming obscenities at them all the way through the entrance and around the store.

The door greeter says, "Good morning and welcome to Tesco. Nice children you've got there madam. Are they twins?"

The hairy ugly woman stops screaming long enough to snarl: "Of course they're not bloody twins !! The oldest is nine and the youngest is seven. Why the hell would you think they're twins ??..... Do you SERIOUSLY think they look alike, you d***head ??"

"Absolutely not, madam," replies the greeter :-

"I just can't believe anyone would want to s***w you twice !!"
 
Jan 19, 2008
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An elephant asks a camel : " why are your boobies on your back ?"

" Well " says the camel , " I think it is a strange question from somebody who's willy is on his face"
 
Jan 19, 2008
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A REAL COWBOY

An old cowboy sat down at the bar and ordered a drink. As he sat sipping his drink a woman sat next to him and asked "Are you a real cowboy".

"Well" he replied "I've spent my whole life breaking colts, working cows, riding in rodeos, fixing fences, pulling calves, bailing hay, doctoring calves, cleaning my barn, fixing flats, driving tractors and feedin' my dogs, so yes, I guess I am a real cowboy.

She said "I'm a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about women. As soon as I get up in the morning, I think about women. When I shower, I think about women. When I watch TV, I think about women. I even think about women when I eat. It seems that everything makes me think about women.

The two sat sipping their drinks in silence.

A little while later a man sat down at the bar and asked "Are you a real cowboy?"

He replied "I always thought I was but I just found out I'm a lesbian".
 
Jan 19, 2008
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SUMMER CLASSES FOR MEN

THE

LEARNING CENTER FOR ADULTS

REGISTRATION MUST BE COMPLETED BY June 29, 2007

NOTE: DUE TO THE COMPLEXITY AND DIFFICULTY LEVEL

OF THEIR CONTENTS, CLASS SIZES WILL BE LIMITED TO 8 PARTICIPANTS MAXIMUM.

Class 1

How To Fill Up The Ice Cube Trays --- Step by Step, with Slide Presentation.

Meets 4 weeks, Monday and Wednesday for 2 hours beginning at 7:00 PM.

Class 2

The Toilet Paper Roll --- Does It Change Itself?

Round Table Discussion.

Meets 2 weeks, Saturday 12:00 for 2 hours.

Class 3!

Is It Possible To Urinate Using The Technique Of Lifting The Seat and

Avoiding The Floor, Walls and Nearby Bathtub? --- Group Practice.

Meets 4 weeks, Saturday 10:00 PM for 2 hours.

Class 4

Fundamental Differences Between The Laundry Hamper and The Floor ---

Pictures and Explanatory Graphics.

Meets Saturdays at 2:00 PM for 3 weeks.

Class 5

After Dinner Dishes --- Can They Levitate and Fly Into The Kitchen Sink?

Examples on Video.

Meets 4 weeks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours beginning

at 7:00 PM

Class 6

Loss Of Identity --- Losing The Remote To Your Significant Other.

Help Line Support and Support Groups.

Meets 4 Weeks, Friday and Sunday 7:00 PM

Class 7!

Learning How To Find Things --- Starting With Looking In The Right Places

And Not Turning The House Upside Down While Screaming.

Open Forum .

Monday at 8:00 PM, 2 hours.

Class 8

Health Watch --- Bringing Her Flowers Is Not Harmful To Your Health.

Graphics and Audio Tapes.

Three nights; Monday, Wednesday, Friday at 7:00 PM for 2 hours.

Class 9

Real Men Ask For Directions When Lost --- Real Life Testimonials.

Tuesdays at 6:00 PM Location to be determined.

Class 10

Is It Genetically Impossible To Sit Quietly While She Parallel Parks?

Driving Simulations.< /FONT>

4 weeks, Saturday's noon, 2 hours.

Class 11

Learning to Live --- Basic Differences Between Mother and Wife.

Online Classes and role-playing .

Tuesdays at 7:00 PM, location to be determined

Class 12

How to be the Ideal Shopping Companion

Relaxation Exercises, Meditation and Breathing Techniques.

Meets 4 weeks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours ! beginning at 7:00 PM.

Class 13

How to Fight Cerebral Atrophy --- Remembering Birthdays, Anniversaries and Other Important Dates and Calling When You're Going To Be Late.

Cerebral Shock Therapy Sessions and Full Lobotomies Offered.

Three nights; Monday, Wednesday, Friday at 7:00 PM for 2 hours.

Class 14

The Stove/Oven --- What It Is and How It Is Used.

Live Demonstration.

Tuesdays at 6:00 PM, location to be determined.

Upon completion of any of the above courses,

diplomas will be issued to the survivors.
 
Dec 16, 2003
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Sex and Petrol..........

A Petrol station owner near the Severn bridge was trying to increase his sales and attract Welsh drivers overs to fill up

So he put up a sign that read, "Free Sex with Fill-Up."

Soon a car with dragon sticker pulled in, filled his tank and asked for his free sex.

The owner told him to pick a number from 1 to 10.

If he guessed correctly he would get his free sex.

The Welsh chap guessed 8, and the proprietor said, "You were close. The number was 7. Sorry. No sex this time."

A week later, the same chap, along with a buddy, Dai, pulled in for another fill-up.

Again he asked for his free sex.

The proprietor again gave him the same story, and asked him to guess the correct number.

The redneck guessed 2 this time.

The proprietor said, "Sorry, it was 3. You were close, but no free sex this time."

As they were driving away, the chap said to Dai, "I think that game is rigged and he doesn't really give away free sex."

Dai replied, "No it ain't, my wife drove over from the valleys every day last week and it ain't rigged.

She won twice!
 
Jan 19, 2008
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Sex and Petrol..........

A Petrol station owner near the Severn bridge was trying to increase his sales and attract Welsh drivers overs to fill up

So he put up a sign that read, "Free Sex with Fill-Up."

Soon a car with dragon sticker pulled in, filled his tank and asked for his free sex.

The owner told him to pick a number from 1 to 10.

If he guessed correctly he would get his free sex.

The Welsh chap guessed 8, and the proprietor said, "You were close. The number was 7. Sorry. No sex this time."

A week later, the same chap, along with a buddy, Dai, pulled in for another fill-up.

Again he asked for his free sex.

The proprietor again gave him the same story, and asked him to guess the correct number.

The redneck guessed 2 this time.

The proprietor said, "Sorry, it was 3. You were close, but no free sex this time."

As they were driving away, the chap said to Dai, "I think that game is rigged and he doesn't really give away free sex."

Dai replied, "No it ain't, my wife drove over from the valleys every day last week and it ain't rigged.

She won twice!
I bet colin is out driving around looking for that garage right now ;O)
 
Dec 16, 2003
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Sex and Petrol..........

A Petrol station owner near the Severn bridge was trying to increase his sales and attract Welsh drivers overs to fill up

So he put up a sign that read, "Free Sex with Fill-Up."

Soon a car with dragon sticker pulled in, filled his tank and asked for his free sex.

The owner told him to pick a number from 1 to 10.

If he guessed correctly he would get his free sex.

The Welsh chap guessed 8, and the proprietor said, "You were close. The number was 7. Sorry. No sex this time."

A week later, the same chap, along with a buddy, Dai, pulled in for another fill-up.

Again he asked for his free sex.

The proprietor again gave him the same story, and asked him to guess the correct number.

The redneck guessed 2 this time.

The proprietor said, "Sorry, it was 3. You were close, but no free sex this time."

As they were driving away, the chap said to Dai, "I think that game is rigged and he doesn't really give away free sex."

Dai replied, "No it ain't, my wife drove over from the valleys every day last week and it ain't rigged.

She won twice!
I is a sayin no things ;-)
 
Oct 17, 2006
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Hope he's got plenty of patience, theres a long queue of wives waiting to register their hubbies.
Not fair Lord B I thought I was the only one to register my hubby. hehehe.

P.S You will be in trouble when Colin sees comment under (Garage Joke) hehehe Liz
 
Jun 29, 2004
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Honesty is the best policy, but insanity is a better defense.

On the road of life, there are windshields and there are bugspats.

The most beautiful sunsets are made by cloudy skies.

Never try to leap a chasm in two jumps.

If at first you don't succeed, failure may be your style.

Some people wish to get what they deserve, while others fear the same.

A man who lives in a glass house should change in the basement.

The word listen contains the same letters as the word silent.

A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.

A closed mouth gathers no feet.

Be careful of your thoughts, they may become words at any moment.

It is important to stay cool, but be sure to not get frostbite.

There is always one more imbecile than you counted on.

An agreeable person is some who agrees with you.

At the feast of ego, everyone leaves hungry.

Be bold in what you stand for and careful what you fall for.

Boys will be boys....and so will a lot of middle aged men!

In the land of the blind, the one eyed man is king.

You can't strengthen the weak by weakening the strong.

A wise man gets more use from his enemies than a fool from his friends.

Forgiveness is like the fragrance a flower gives after it's been stepped on.

If the shoe fits, get another one just like it.

If a first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.
 
Jun 29, 2004
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Banish the use of the four-letter words

Whose meanings are never obscure.

The Angles, the Saxons, those hardy old birds,

Were vulgar, obscene and impure.

But cherish the use of the weaselling phrase

That never quite says what you mean.

You'd better be known for your hypocrite ways

Than as vulgar, impure or obscene.

When Nature is calling, plain speaking is out

When the ladies, God bless 'em, are milling about.

You may wee-wee, make water, or empty the glass

You can powder your nose, even Johnny can pass.

Shake the dew off the lily, see a man about a dog.

When everyone's drunk, it's condensing the fog.

But please to remember if you would know bliss,

That only in Shakespeare do the characters p*ss.
 
Mar 14, 2005
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Stop me if you've heard this one: I've posted it somewhere, but can't remember where!

dai lost both his ears in a fight. The Ear surgeon didn't have any spare human ones, but offered him one pig ear and one dog ear. Dai agreed that hearing was more important than appearance, so gave the go-ahead. two months later, he goes back for a check up, and tells the Doc " the dog's ear is fantastic, good long range, and clear as a bell. But the pig's ear's got a bit of----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------crackling in it!"

Shall I get me coat?
 

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