Lots of 1 liners some good some not so good
You invented Tipp Ex, correct me if I'm wrong.
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I'm so lazy I've got a smoke alarm with a snooze button.
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I bought some Armageddon cheese today, and it said on the packet 'Best Before End'.
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So I went to buy a watch, and the man in the shop said, "Analogue?" I said, "no, just a watch."
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I went into a shop and I said, "can someone sell me a kettle." The bloke said "Kenwood" I said, "where is he?"
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So I went in to a pet shop. I said, "can I buy a goldfish?" The guy said, "do you want an aquarium?" I said, "I don't care what star sign it is."
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I was in this restaurant and I asked for something herby. They gave me a Volkswagen with no driver.
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My mate is in love with two schoolbags. He's bisatchel.
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I went to the doctor. I said to him, "I'm frightened of lapels." He said, "you've got cholera."
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So I met the bloke who invented crosswords today. I can't remember his name, it's P something T something R.
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I was reading this book today, The History Of Glue, and I couldn't put it down.
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I phoned the local ramblers club today, and this bloke just went on and on.
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My mate asked me, "what do you think of voluntary work?" I said, "I wouldn't do it if you paid me."
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So I was in the jungle and there was this monkey with a tin opener. I said, "you don't need a tin opener to peel a banana." He said, "no, this is for the custard."
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This policeman came up to me with a pencil and a piece of very thin paper. He said, "I want you to trace someone for me."
******************
So this lorry full of tortoises collided with a van full of terrapins. It was a turtle disaster.
******************
So I told my girlfriend I had a job in a bowling alley. She said "tenpin?" I said, "no, it's a permanent job."
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So I told my mum that I'd opened a theatre. She said, "are you having me on?" I said, "well I'll give you an audition, but I'm not promising you anything."
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I phoned the local builders today, I said to them, "can I have a skip outside my house?" He said, "I'm not stopping you!"
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So this cowboy walks in to a German car showroom and he says, "Audi!"
******************
So I fancied a game of darts with my mate. He said, "nearest the bull goes first." He went, "Baah," and I went, "Moo." He said, "you're closest."
******************
So I met this bloke with a didgeridoo and he was playing Dancing Queen on it. I thought that's Aboriginal.
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I was driving up the motorway and my boss phoned me and he told me I'd been promoted. I was so shocked I swerved the car. He phoned me again to say I'd been promoted even higher and I swerved again. He then made me managing director and I went right off into a tree. The police came and asked me what had happened. I said, "I careered off the road."
******************
I visited the offices of the RSPCA today. It's so tiny you couldn't swing a cat in there.
******************
I was stealing things in the supermarket today while balanced on the shoulders of vampires. I was charged with shoplifting on three counts.
******************
I bought a train ticket and the driver said "Eurostar" I said, "well I've been on telly but I'm no Dean Martin."
******************
I phoned the local gym and I asked if they could teach me how to do the splits. He said, "how flexible are you?" I said, "I can't make Tuesdays or Thursdays."
******************
So I went to the local video shop and I said, "can I take out The Elephant Man?" He said, "he's not your type." I said, "how about Batman Forever?" He said, "no, you'll have to bring it back tomorrow."
******************
So Batman came up to me and he hit me over the head with a vase and he went T'PAU! I said, "don't you mean KAPOW?" He said, "no, I've got china in my hand."
You invented Tipp Ex, correct me if I'm wrong.
*****************************
I'm so lazy I've got a smoke alarm with a snooze button.
******************
I bought some Armageddon cheese today, and it said on the packet 'Best Before End'.
******************
So I went to buy a watch, and the man in the shop said, "Analogue?" I said, "no, just a watch."
******************
I went into a shop and I said, "can someone sell me a kettle." The bloke said "Kenwood" I said, "where is he?"
******************
So I went in to a pet shop. I said, "can I buy a goldfish?" The guy said, "do you want an aquarium?" I said, "I don't care what star sign it is."
******************
I was in this restaurant and I asked for something herby. They gave me a Volkswagen with no driver.
******************
My mate is in love with two schoolbags. He's bisatchel.
******************
I went to the doctor. I said to him, "I'm frightened of lapels." He said, "you've got cholera."
******************
So I met the bloke who invented crosswords today. I can't remember his name, it's P something T something R.
******************
I was reading this book today, The History Of Glue, and I couldn't put it down.
******************
I phoned the local ramblers club today, and this bloke just went on and on.
******************
My mate asked me, "what do you think of voluntary work?" I said, "I wouldn't do it if you paid me."
******************
So I was in the jungle and there was this monkey with a tin opener. I said, "you don't need a tin opener to peel a banana." He said, "no, this is for the custard."
******************
This policeman came up to me with a pencil and a piece of very thin paper. He said, "I want you to trace someone for me."
******************
So this lorry full of tortoises collided with a van full of terrapins. It was a turtle disaster.
******************
So I told my girlfriend I had a job in a bowling alley. She said "tenpin?" I said, "no, it's a permanent job."
******************
So I told my mum that I'd opened a theatre. She said, "are you having me on?" I said, "well I'll give you an audition, but I'm not promising you anything."
******************
I phoned the local builders today, I said to them, "can I have a skip outside my house?" He said, "I'm not stopping you!"
******************
So this cowboy walks in to a German car showroom and he says, "Audi!"
******************
So I fancied a game of darts with my mate. He said, "nearest the bull goes first." He went, "Baah," and I went, "Moo." He said, "you're closest."
******************
So I met this bloke with a didgeridoo and he was playing Dancing Queen on it. I thought that's Aboriginal.
******************
I was driving up the motorway and my boss phoned me and he told me I'd been promoted. I was so shocked I swerved the car. He phoned me again to say I'd been promoted even higher and I swerved again. He then made me managing director and I went right off into a tree. The police came and asked me what had happened. I said, "I careered off the road."
******************
I visited the offices of the RSPCA today. It's so tiny you couldn't swing a cat in there.
******************
I was stealing things in the supermarket today while balanced on the shoulders of vampires. I was charged with shoplifting on three counts.
******************
I bought a train ticket and the driver said "Eurostar" I said, "well I've been on telly but I'm no Dean Martin."
******************
I phoned the local gym and I asked if they could teach me how to do the splits. He said, "how flexible are you?" I said, "I can't make Tuesdays or Thursdays."
******************
So I went to the local video shop and I said, "can I take out The Elephant Man?" He said, "he's not your type." I said, "how about Batman Forever?" He said, "no, you'll have to bring it back tomorrow."
******************
So Batman came up to me and he hit me over the head with a vase and he went T'PAU! I said, "don't you mean KAPOW?" He said, "no, I've got china in my hand."
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