Jan 19, 2008
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A man staggers into an emergency room with a concussion, multiple bruises,

two black eyes and a five iron wrapped tightly around his throat.

Naturally, the doctor asks him what happened.

"Well, it was like this", said the man. "I was having a quiet round of golf

with my wife, when at a difficult hole, we both sliced our balls into a

pasture of cows. We went to look for them, and while I was rooting around

noticed one of the cows had something white at its rear end. I walked over

and lifted up the tail, and sure enough, there was a golf ball with my

wife's monogram on it ......stuck right in the middle of the cow's butt.

That's when I made my big mistake."

"What did you do?" asks the doctor.

"Well, I lifted the cow's tail and yelled to my wife, 'Hey, this looks like

yours!'.

I don't remember much after that".

...................................................

Two friends, a blonde and a redhead, are walking down the street and pass a flower shop where the redhead sees her boyfriend buying her flowers.

The Redhead sighs and says: "Oh cr*p, my boyfriend

is buying me flowers again."

The blonde looks quizzically at her and says: "You

don't like getting flowers from your boyfriend?"

The redhead replies: "I love getting flowers, but he always has expectations after giving me flowers, and I just don't feel like spending the next three days on my back with my legs in the air."

The blonde says: ........"Don't you have a vase?"

.......................................................

I Think Bill's In Trouble!

Bill works hard and spends most evenings bowling or playing basketball at the gym. His wife thinks he is pushing himself too hard, so for his birthday she takes him to a local strip club.

The doorman at the club greets them and says, "Hey, Bill! How ya doin?" His wife is puzzled and asks if he's been to this club before.

"Oh no," says Bil. "He's on my bowling team."

When they are seated, a waitress asks Bill if he'd like his usual and brings over a Budweiser.

His wife is becoming increasingly uncomfortable and says, "How did she know that you drink Budweiser?"

"She's in the Ladies Bowling League, honey. We share lanes with them."

A stripper then comes over to their table, throws her arms around Bill, starts to rub herself all over him and says "Hi Billy. Want your usual table dance, big boy?"

Bill's wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club. Bill follows and spots her getting into a cab. Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her. Bill tries desperately to explain how the stripper must have mistaken him for someone else, but his wife is having none of it.

She is screaming at him at the top of her lungs, calling him every 4 letter word in the book.

The cabby turns around and says, "Geez Bill, you picked up a real ***** this time."

...........................................................

She was in the kitchen doing the boiled eggs for breakfast.

He walks in.

She says, "You've got to make love to me -- this very moment."

He thinks, 'This is my lucky day,' and gives it his all on the kitchen table.

He says afterwards, "What was that all about?"

She says, "The egg timer's broken."

............................................................

The high school coaches went to a coaches' retreat. To save money they had to room together. No one wanted to room with Coach Daryl because he snored so bad. They decide it's not fair to make one of them stay with him the whole time, so they vote to take turns.

The first coach sleeps with Daryl and comes to breakfast next morning with his hair a mess, eyes all bloodshot. They say, "Man, what happened to you?" He said, "Man, that Daryl snored so loud, I watched him all night."

The next night it was a different coach's turn. In the morning, same thing -- hair all standing up, eyes all bloodshot. They say, "Man, what happened to you? You look awful!"

He said, "Man, that Daryl shakes the roof. I watched him all night." The third night was Frank's turn. Frank was a big burly ex-football player-looking type of man's man.

Next morning, he comes to breakfast bright eyed and bushy tailed. "Good morning."

They can't believe it! They say, "Man, what happened?"

He said, "Well, we got ready for bed. I went and tucked Daryl into bed and kissed him good night. He watched me all night long."

............................................................

My neighbor found out her dog could hardly hear so she took it to the veterinarian. He discovered that the problem was hair in its ears so he cleaned both ears and the dog could hear fine.

The vet then proceeded to tell the lady that if she wanted to keep this from reoccurring she should go to the store and get some Nair hair remover and rub it in its ears once a month.

The lady goes to the drug store and gets some Nair.

At the register the druggist tells her, "If you're going to use this under your arms don't use deodorant for a few days."

The lady says "I'm not using it under my arms."

The druggist says "If you're using it on your legs don't shave for a couple of days."

The lady says "I'm not using it on my legs either. If you must know, I'm using it on my schnauzer."

The druggist says "Well in that case stay off your bicycle for a week."

......................................................

Dick Cheney and George W. Bush were having breakfast at the White House.

The attractive waitress asks Cheney what he would like, and he replies, "I'd like a bowl of oatmeal and some fruit."

"And what can I get for you, Mr President?"

George W. replies with his trademark wink and slight grin, "How about a quickie this morning?"

"Why, Mr. President!" the waitress exclaims "How rude! You're starting to act like Mr. Clinton, and you've only been in your second term of office for a year! '

As the waitress storms away, Cheney leans over to Bush and whispers..."It's pronounced 'quiche'."

....................................................

Two men were sitting next to each other at a bar. After a while, one guy looks at the other and says, "I can't help but think, from listening to you, that you're from Ireland " The other guy responds proudly, "Yes, that I am"

The first guy says, "So am I".

And where about from Ireland might you be?"

The other guy answers, "I'm from Dublin , I am."

The first guy responds, and so am I "Sure and begora, And what street did you live on in Dublin ?"

The other guy says, "A lovely little area it was, I lived on McCleary Street in the old central part of town."

The first guy says, "Faith & it's a small world, so did I.! So did I".

And to what school would you have been going?"

The other guy answers, "Well now, I went to St. Mary's of course."

The first guy gets really excited and says, "And so did I. Tell me, what year did you graduate?"

The other guy answers, "Well, now, let's see, I graduated in 1964."

The first guy exclaims, "The Good Lord must be smiling down upon us! I can hardly believe our good luck at winding up in the same bar tonight. Can you believe it, I graduated from St. Mary's in 1964 my own self."

About this time, Vicky walks into the bar, sits down, and orders a beer.

Brian, the bartender, walks over to Vicky, shaking his head & mutters, "It's going to be a long night tonight"

Vicky asks, "Why do you say that, Brian?"

"The Murphy twins are drunk again."

...................................................

A man and his wife are awakened at 3am in the morning by a loud

pounding on the door. The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push.

"Not a chance", says the husband, "it's 3am in the morning!" He

slams the door and returns to bed.

"Who was that?" asked his wife.

"Just some drunk guy asking for a push," he answers.

"Did you help him"? she asks.

"No, I did not, it is 3am in the morning and it is raining outside!"

"Well, you have a short memory," says his wife. "Can't you

remember about three months ago when we broke down and those two guys helped us"?

"I think you should help him and you should be ashamed of yourself!"

The man does as she has suggested, gets dressed and goes out into the pouring rain.

He calls out into the dark, "Hello, are you still out there"?

"Yes," comes back the answer.

"Do you still need a push"? calls out the husband.

"Yes, please!" comes the reply from the dark.

"Where are you"? asks the husband.

"Over here.......on the swing!" replies the drunk.

..........................................................
 
Mar 14, 2005
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LB,

I thought you had been very quiet since being back from holidays.Now I know why.....you've beenbusy compiling all these jokes......brilliant :0)
 

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