Since Christmas there has been a definate lack of humour on the chit chat forum
Where has it gone and can it come back please.
Where has it gone and can it come back please.
Where are the jokes and the humour
- Thread starter Saladdodger
- Start date
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Here's one, but it's not really a joke. Some deep and meaningful philosophy. Of sex. (Don't worry mods, it's OK).
"I believe that sex is one of the most beautiful, natural, wholesome things that money can buy."
Tom Clancy
"You know "that look" women get when they want sex? Me neither."
Steve Martin
"Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand."
Woody Allen
"Bisexuality immediately doubles your chances for a date on Saturday night."
Rodney Dangerfield
"There are a number of mechanical devices which increase sexual arousal, particularly in women. Chief among these is the Mercedes-Benz 380SL."
Lynn Lavner
"Leaving sex to the feminists is like letting your dog vacation at the taxidermist."
Matt Barry
Sex at age 90 is like trying to shoot pool with a rope."
George Burns
"Sex is one of the nine reasons for reincarnation. The other eight are unimportant."
George Burns
"Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake whole relationships."
Sharon Stone
"My girlfriend always laughs during sex - no matter what she's reading."
Steve Jobs (Founder, Apple Computers)
"My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-*****."
Jack Nicholson
"Ah, yes, divorce, from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man's genitals through his wallet."
Robin Williams
"Women complain about premenstrual syndrome, but I think of it as the only time of the month that I can be myself."
Roseanne
"Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place."
Billy Crystal
"According to a new survey, women say they feel more comfortable undressing in front of men than they do undressing in front of other women. They say that women are too judgmental, where, of course, men are just grateful."
Robert De Niro
"There's a new medical crisis. Doctors are reporting that many men are having allergic reactions to latex condoms. They say they cause severe swelling. So what's the problem?"
Dustin Hoffman
"There's very little advice in men's magazines, because men think, I know what I'm doing. Just show me somebody naked."
Jerry Seinfeld
"Instead of getting married again, I'm going to find a woman I don't like and just give her a house."
Rod Stewart
"See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a p***s, and only enough blood to run one at a time."
Robin Williams
"I believe that sex is one of the most beautiful, natural, wholesome things that money can buy."
Tom Clancy
"You know "that look" women get when they want sex? Me neither."
Steve Martin
"Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand."
Woody Allen
"Bisexuality immediately doubles your chances for a date on Saturday night."
Rodney Dangerfield
"There are a number of mechanical devices which increase sexual arousal, particularly in women. Chief among these is the Mercedes-Benz 380SL."
Lynn Lavner
"Leaving sex to the feminists is like letting your dog vacation at the taxidermist."
Matt Barry
Sex at age 90 is like trying to shoot pool with a rope."
George Burns
"Sex is one of the nine reasons for reincarnation. The other eight are unimportant."
George Burns
"Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake whole relationships."
Sharon Stone
"My girlfriend always laughs during sex - no matter what she's reading."
Steve Jobs (Founder, Apple Computers)
"My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-*****."
Jack Nicholson
"Ah, yes, divorce, from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man's genitals through his wallet."
Robin Williams
"Women complain about premenstrual syndrome, but I think of it as the only time of the month that I can be myself."
Roseanne
"Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place."
Billy Crystal
"According to a new survey, women say they feel more comfortable undressing in front of men than they do undressing in front of other women. They say that women are too judgmental, where, of course, men are just grateful."
Robert De Niro
"There's a new medical crisis. Doctors are reporting that many men are having allergic reactions to latex condoms. They say they cause severe swelling. So what's the problem?"
Dustin Hoffman
"There's very little advice in men's magazines, because men think, I know what I'm doing. Just show me somebody naked."
Jerry Seinfeld
"Instead of getting married again, I'm going to find a woman I don't like and just give her a house."
Rod Stewart
"See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a p***s, and only enough blood to run one at a time."
Robin Williams
Last week was my birthday and I didn't feel very well waking up on that morning.
I went downstairs for breakfast, hoping my wife would be pleasant and say, "Happy Birthday!", and possibly have a small present for me.
As it turned out, she barely said good morning, let alone "Happy Birthday."
I thought... Well, that's marriage for you, but the kids....They will remember.
My kids came bounding down stairs to breakfast and didn't say a word. So when I left for the office, I felt pretty low and somewhat despondent.
As I walked into my office, my secretary, Jane said, "Good Morning Boss, and by the way Happy Birthday!"
It felt a little better that at least someone had remembered.
I worked until one o'clock, when Jane knocked on my door and said, "You know, It's such a beautiful day outside, and it is your Birthday, what do you say we go out to lunch, just you and me."
I said, "Thanks, Jane, that's the greatest thing I've heard all day. Let's go!"
We went to lunch. but we didn't go where we normally would go. She chose instead a quiet bistro with a private table. We had two martinis each and I enjoyed the meal tremendously.
On the way back to the office, Jane said, "You know, It's such a beautiful day... We don't need to go straight back to the office, Do we?"
I responded, "I guess not. What do you have in mind?"
She said, "Let's drop by my apartment, it's just around the corner."
After arriving at her apartment, Jane turned to me and said, " Boss, if you don't mind, I'm going to step into the bedroom for just a moment. I'll be right back." "Ok," I nervously replied.
She went into the bedroom and, after a couple of minutes, she came out carrying a huge birthday cake. followed by my wife, my kids, and dozens of my friends and co-workers, all singing "Happy Birthday. "
And I just sat there...
On the couch...
Naked.
I went downstairs for breakfast, hoping my wife would be pleasant and say, "Happy Birthday!", and possibly have a small present for me.
As it turned out, she barely said good morning, let alone "Happy Birthday."
I thought... Well, that's marriage for you, but the kids....They will remember.
My kids came bounding down stairs to breakfast and didn't say a word. So when I left for the office, I felt pretty low and somewhat despondent.
As I walked into my office, my secretary, Jane said, "Good Morning Boss, and by the way Happy Birthday!"
It felt a little better that at least someone had remembered.
I worked until one o'clock, when Jane knocked on my door and said, "You know, It's such a beautiful day outside, and it is your Birthday, what do you say we go out to lunch, just you and me."
I said, "Thanks, Jane, that's the greatest thing I've heard all day. Let's go!"
We went to lunch. but we didn't go where we normally would go. She chose instead a quiet bistro with a private table. We had two martinis each and I enjoyed the meal tremendously.
On the way back to the office, Jane said, "You know, It's such a beautiful day... We don't need to go straight back to the office, Do we?"
I responded, "I guess not. What do you have in mind?"
She said, "Let's drop by my apartment, it's just around the corner."
After arriving at her apartment, Jane turned to me and said, " Boss, if you don't mind, I'm going to step into the bedroom for just a moment. I'll be right back." "Ok," I nervously replied.
She went into the bedroom and, after a couple of minutes, she came out carrying a huge birthday cake. followed by my wife, my kids, and dozens of my friends and co-workers, all singing "Happy Birthday. "
And I just sat there...
On the couch...
Naked.
Shopping in the supermarket yesterday, and I stole a joint of beef. Running out of the shop, security shouts " oy! what you doing with that?" So I said," yorkshire pudding, carrots gravy"--------
"Sixty is the worst age to be," said the 60-year-old man. "You always feel like you have to pee and most of the time you stand there and nothing comes out."
"Ah, that's nothin," said the 70-year-old. "When you're seventy, you don't have a bowel movement any more. You take laxatives, eat bran, sit on the toilet all day and nothin' comes out!"
"Actually," said the 80-year -old, "Eighty is the worst age of all."
"Do you have trouble peeing, too?" asked the 60-year old.
"No, I pee every morning at 6:00. I pee like a racehorse on a flat rock; no problem at all."
"So, do you have a problem with your bowel movement?"
"No, I have one every morning at 6:30."
Exasperated, the 60-year-old said, "You pee every morning at 6:00 and crap every morning at 6:30. So what's so bad about being 80?"
"I don't wake up until 7:00."
"Ah, that's nothin," said the 70-year-old. "When you're seventy, you don't have a bowel movement any more. You take laxatives, eat bran, sit on the toilet all day and nothin' comes out!"
"Actually," said the 80-year -old, "Eighty is the worst age of all."
"Do you have trouble peeing, too?" asked the 60-year old.
"No, I pee every morning at 6:00. I pee like a racehorse on a flat rock; no problem at all."
"So, do you have a problem with your bowel movement?"
"No, I have one every morning at 6:30."
Exasperated, the 60-year-old said, "You pee every morning at 6:00 and crap every morning at 6:30. So what's so bad about being 80?"
"I don't wake up until 7:00."
WOMEN'S ASS SIZE STUDY
There is a new study out about women and how they feel about their asses. I thought the results were pretty interesting:
25% of women think their ass is too fat...
10% of women think their ass is too skinny...
The other 65% say that they don't care; they love him, he's a good man, and they would have married him anyway...
There is a new study out about women and how they feel about their asses. I thought the results were pretty interesting:
25% of women think their ass is too fat...
10% of women think their ass is too skinny...
The other 65% say that they don't care; they love him, he's a good man, and they would have married him anyway...
In the beginning
God Said, "Adam, I Want you to do something for me."
Adam said, "Gladly, Lord, what do You want me to do?"
God said, "Go down into that valley."
Adam said, "What's a valley?"
God explained it to him.
Then God said, "Cross the river."
Adam said, "What's a river?" !
God explained that to him, and then said, "Go over to the hill......."
Adam said, "What is a hill?"
So, God explained to Adam what a hill was.
He told Adam, "On the other side of the hill you will find a cave"
Adam said, "What's a cave?"
After God explained, he said, "In the cave you will find a woman."
Adam said, "What's a woman?"
So God explained that to him, too.
Then, God said, "I want you to reproduce."
Adam said, "How do I do that?"
God first said (under his breath), "Geez....." !
And then, just like everything else, God explained that to Adam, as well.
So, Adam goes down into the valley, across the river, and over the hill, into the cave, and finds the woman.
Then, in about five minutes, he was back.
God, his patience wearing thin, said angrily, "What is it now?"
And Adam said
*
*
YOUR GOING TO LOVE THIS !!!!!!
*
*
*
*
*
*
"What's a headache?"
God Said, "Adam, I Want you to do something for me."
Adam said, "Gladly, Lord, what do You want me to do?"
God said, "Go down into that valley."
Adam said, "What's a valley?"
God explained it to him.
Then God said, "Cross the river."
Adam said, "What's a river?" !
God explained that to him, and then said, "Go over to the hill......."
Adam said, "What is a hill?"
So, God explained to Adam what a hill was.
He told Adam, "On the other side of the hill you will find a cave"
Adam said, "What's a cave?"
After God explained, he said, "In the cave you will find a woman."
Adam said, "What's a woman?"
So God explained that to him, too.
Then, God said, "I want you to reproduce."
Adam said, "How do I do that?"
God first said (under his breath), "Geez....." !
And then, just like everything else, God explained that to Adam, as well.
So, Adam goes down into the valley, across the river, and over the hill, into the cave, and finds the woman.
Then, in about five minutes, he was back.
God, his patience wearing thin, said angrily, "What is it now?"
And Adam said
*
*
YOUR GOING TO LOVE THIS !!!!!!
*
*
*
*
*
*
"What's a headache?"
Advanced Technologies in History
After having dug to a depth of 100 metres last year, Scottish
scientists found traces of copper wire dating back 1000 years and came to the conclusion that their ancestors already had a telephone network more than 1000 years ago.
Not to be outdone by the Scots, in the weeks that followed, English scientists dug to a depth of 200 metres and shortly after headlines in the newspapers read; English archaeologists have found traces of 2000 year old fibre-optic cable and have concluded that their ancestors already had an advanced high-tech digital communications network a thousand years earlier than the Scots.
One week later, Irish newspapers reported the following:
After digging as deep as 500 metres in Cork, Irish scientists have found absolutely nothing. They, therefore, have concluded that 5,000 years ago, Irelands inhabitants were already using wireless technology.
After having dug to a depth of 100 metres last year, Scottish
scientists found traces of copper wire dating back 1000 years and came to the conclusion that their ancestors already had a telephone network more than 1000 years ago.
Not to be outdone by the Scots, in the weeks that followed, English scientists dug to a depth of 200 metres and shortly after headlines in the newspapers read; English archaeologists have found traces of 2000 year old fibre-optic cable and have concluded that their ancestors already had an advanced high-tech digital communications network a thousand years earlier than the Scots.
One week later, Irish newspapers reported the following:
After digging as deep as 500 metres in Cork, Irish scientists have found absolutely nothing. They, therefore, have concluded that 5,000 years ago, Irelands inhabitants were already using wireless technology.
Hi all, I'm new.
That's not the joke though.
"there are 10 types of people in this world, those who understand binary arithmatic and those who don't."
(I'll try harder next time)
That's not the joke though.
"there are 10 types of people in this world, those who understand binary arithmatic and those who don't."
(I'll try harder next time)
Apologies for these :O(
Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married. The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent.
A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says, "I'll serve you, but don't start anything."
Two peanuts walk into a bar, and one was a salted.
A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says, "A beer please, and one for the road."
Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other, "Does this taste funny to you?"
"Doc, I can't stop singing 'The Green, Green Grass of Home.'" "That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome." "Is it common?" Well, "It's Not Unusual."
Two cows are standing next to each other in a field. Daisy says to Dolly, "I was artificially inseminated this morning." "I don't believe you," says Dolly. "It's true, no bull!" exclaims Daisy.
An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kids were nothing to look at either.
Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bull before.
I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.
A man woke up in a hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, "Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!" The doctor replied, "I know you can't - I've cut off your arms!"
I went to a seafood disco last week... and pulled a mussel.
What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.
Two fish swim into a concrete wall. The one turns to the other and says "Dam!"
Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly, it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.
A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But why," they asked, as they moved off. "Because", he said, "I can't stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer."
A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Ahmal." The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him "Juan." Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds, "They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal."
Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him ...(Oh, boy, this is so bad, it's good)... . A super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis
Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married. The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent.
A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says, "I'll serve you, but don't start anything."
Two peanuts walk into a bar, and one was a salted.
A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says, "A beer please, and one for the road."
Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other, "Does this taste funny to you?"
"Doc, I can't stop singing 'The Green, Green Grass of Home.'" "That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome." "Is it common?" Well, "It's Not Unusual."
Two cows are standing next to each other in a field. Daisy says to Dolly, "I was artificially inseminated this morning." "I don't believe you," says Dolly. "It's true, no bull!" exclaims Daisy.
An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kids were nothing to look at either.
Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bull before.
I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.
A man woke up in a hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, "Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!" The doctor replied, "I know you can't - I've cut off your arms!"
I went to a seafood disco last week... and pulled a mussel.
What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.
Two fish swim into a concrete wall. The one turns to the other and says "Dam!"
Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly, it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.
A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But why," they asked, as they moved off. "Because", he said, "I can't stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer."
A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Ahmal." The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him "Juan." Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds, "They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal."
Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him ...(Oh, boy, this is so bad, it's good)... . A super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis
Shouldn't it be two antennae? That totally ruined the joke for me.Apologies for these :O(
Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married. The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent.
A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says, "I'll serve you, but don't start anything."
Two peanuts walk into a bar, and one was a salted.
A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says, "A beer please, and one for the road."
Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other, "Does this taste funny to you?"
"Doc, I can't stop singing 'The Green, Green Grass of Home.'" "That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome." "Is it common?" Well, "It's Not Unusual."
Two cows are standing next to each other in a field. Daisy says to Dolly, "I was artificially inseminated this morning." "I don't believe you," says Dolly. "It's true, no bull!" exclaims Daisy.
An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kids were nothing to look at either.
Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bull before.
I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.
A man woke up in a hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, "Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!" The doctor replied, "I know you can't - I've cut off your arms!"
I went to a seafood disco last week... and pulled a mussel.
What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.
Two fish swim into a concrete wall. The one turns to the other and says "Dam!"
Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly, it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.
A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But why," they asked, as they moved off. "Because", he said, "I can't stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer."
A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Ahmal." The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him "Juan." Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds, "They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal."
Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him ...(Oh, boy, this is so bad, it's good)... . A super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis
Very subtleHi all, I'm new.
That's not the joke though.
"there are 10 types of people in this world, those who understand binary arithmatic and those who don't."
(I'll try harder next time)
I've sent an email to the person who sent it to me asking them if they can send an email to the person who sent it to them asking them if they can send an email to the person who sent it to them asking them if they can send an email to the person who sent it to them asking them if they can send an email to the person who sent it to them asking them if they can send an email to the person who sent it to them asking them if they can send an email to the person who sent it to them asking them if they can send an email to the person who sent it to them asking them if they can send an email to the person who sent it to them asking them if they can send an email to the person who sent it to them asking them if they can send an email to the person who sent it to them asking them if they can send an email to the person who sent it to them asking them if they can send an email to the person who sent it to them asking them if they can send an email to the person who sent it to them asking them if they can send an email to the person who sent it to them asking them if they can send an email to the person who sent it to them asking them if they can send an email to the person who sent it to them asking them if they can send an email to the person who sent it to them asking them if they can send an email to the person who sent it to them asking them if they can send an email to the person who sent it to them asking them if they can send an email to the person who sent it to them asking them if they can send an email to the person who sent it to them asking them if they can send an email to the person who sent it to them asking them if they can send an email to the person who sent it to them asking them if they can send an email to the person who sent it to them asking if they can get in contact with Mike P via this forum and to apologise to him for spoiling the joke :O)Apologies for these :O(
Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married. The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent.
A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says, "I'll serve you, but don't start anything."
Two peanuts walk into a bar, and one was a salted.
A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says, "A beer please, and one for the road."
Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other, "Does this taste funny to you?"
"Doc, I can't stop singing 'The Green, Green Grass of Home.'" "That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome." "Is it common?" Well, "It's Not Unusual."
Two cows are standing next to each other in a field. Daisy says to Dolly, "I was artificially inseminated this morning." "I don't believe you," says Dolly. "It's true, no bull!" exclaims Daisy.
An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kids were nothing to look at either.
Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bull before.
I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.
A man woke up in a hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, "Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!" The doctor replied, "I know you can't - I've cut off your arms!"
I went to a seafood disco last week... and pulled a mussel.
What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.
Two fish swim into a concrete wall. The one turns to the other and says "Dam!"
Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly, it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.
A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But why," they asked, as they moved off. "Because", he said, "I can't stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer."
A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Ahmal." The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him "Juan." Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds, "They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal."
Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him ...(Oh, boy, this is so bad, it's good)... . A super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis
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