Letter to wife from supermarket. Over the past six months, your husband has caused quite a commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this type of behaviour and, as a result, will ban your entire family from shopping in any of our stores if even one more incident occurs. We have documented all incidents on our video surveillance equipment. Our complaints against your husband, Mr. Woolf, have been compiled and are listed below:
1. November 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in people’s carts when they weren’t looking.
2. November 23: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.
3. December 10: Made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the rest rooms.
4. December 23: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official tone, “Code 3 in housewares!” … and watched what happened.
5. January 10: Went to the Service Desk and asked to reserve a bag of potato chips.
6. January 23: Moved a ‘CAUTION – WET FLOOR’ sign to a carpeted area.
7. February 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told other shoppers he’d invite them in if they’d bring pillows from the bedding department.
8. March 5: When a clerk asked if she could help him, he threw himself down on the floor, began to cry and wailed, “Why can’t you people just leave me alone?’
9. March 26: Looked right into the security camera; used it as a mirror, and picked his nose.
10. April 2: While handling guns in the hunting department, asked the clerk if he knows where the antidepressants are.
11. April 15: Darted around the store, looking around suspiciously while loudly humming the “Mission Impossible” theme.
12. April 26: In the auto department, practised his “Madonna look” using different size funnels.
13. May 1: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, yelled, “PICK ME! — PICK ME!”
14. May 12: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed the fetal position and screamed, “NO! NO! It’s those voices again!!!!”
And last, but not least:
15. May 16: Went into a fitting room, shut the door and waited a while; then yelled very loudly, “Hey, Somebody! I need some toilet paper in here!”
He is now banned from entering any of our stores!
1. November 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in people’s carts when they weren’t looking.
2. November 23: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.
3. December 10: Made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the rest rooms.
4. December 23: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official tone, “Code 3 in housewares!” … and watched what happened.
5. January 10: Went to the Service Desk and asked to reserve a bag of potato chips.
6. January 23: Moved a ‘CAUTION – WET FLOOR’ sign to a carpeted area.
7. February 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told other shoppers he’d invite them in if they’d bring pillows from the bedding department.
8. March 5: When a clerk asked if she could help him, he threw himself down on the floor, began to cry and wailed, “Why can’t you people just leave me alone?’
9. March 26: Looked right into the security camera; used it as a mirror, and picked his nose.
10. April 2: While handling guns in the hunting department, asked the clerk if he knows where the antidepressants are.
11. April 15: Darted around the store, looking around suspiciously while loudly humming the “Mission Impossible” theme.
12. April 26: In the auto department, practised his “Madonna look” using different size funnels.
13. May 1: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, yelled, “PICK ME! — PICK ME!”
14. May 12: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed the fetal position and screamed, “NO! NO! It’s those voices again!!!!”
And last, but not least:
15. May 16: Went into a fitting room, shut the door and waited a while; then yelled very loudly, “Hey, Somebody! I need some toilet paper in here!”
He is now banned from entering any of our stores!
