Dear Uncle Braykewynde ...

[MikeP]

LB said that he could run a problem page. Here's one to start with: (not my own work, I must admit)

Dear Uncle B: A couple of women moved in across the hall from me. One is a middle-aged gym teacher and the other is a social worker in her mid-twenties. These two women go everywhere together and I've never seen a man go into their apartment or come out. Do you think they could be Lebanese?

 

[Lord Braykewynde]

Dear Concerned Noseyparker,

try knocking on their door one evening and tell them you have run out of coffee and ask if you could borrow some. If by their demeanour of wringing of hands and replying in broken English, "you for coffee", you are probably right, they are Lebanese.

 

[MikeP]

Dear Uncle Braykewynde,

I am a sailor in the British Navy. My parents live in Berkshire and one of my sisters, who lives in Dorset, is married to a guy from Liverpool.

My Father and Mother have recently been arrested for growing and selling a prohibited green-leafed plant and are currently dependent on my two sisters, who are ladies of the night in London. I have two brothers, one who is currently serving a life sentence in Wormwood Scrubs for an unspeakable crime, the other is currently being held on remand in Belmarsh on similarly serious charges.

I have recently become engaged to marry a Thai "lady" who lives in Birmingham and indeed can still be found soliciting from time to time. We intend to marry as soon as possible and are currently looking into the possibility of opening our own establishment with my fiancee utilizing her knowledge of the industry, working as the manager. I am hoping my two sisters would be interested in joining our team.

My problem is this: I love my fiancee and look forward to bringing her into the family and of course I want to be totally honest with her.

So should I tell her about my brother-in-law being a Scouser?

 

[Lord Braykewynde]

Dear Worried Jack Tar, after speaking to an aquaintance who treads the pavements, my man in the greenhouse and Norbert Farquhar at the Foreign Office we have come to the conclusion that you need to change your name to Kray and move to the Costa's. With a name like Kray you will have less chance of doing time. Another option is to live in Bangkok after making certain your new found love isn't a ladyboy, good luck to you. Whichever you choose, break it to her/him gently that as much as it seems unlikely, your brother in law is really a Brummie with a speech impediment.

 

[MM1]

Dear Worried Jack Tar, after speaking to an aquaintance who treads the pavements, my man in the greenhouse and Norbert Farquhar at the Foreign Office we have come to the conclusion that you need to change your name to Kray and move to the Costa's. With a name like Kray you will have less chance of doing time. Another option is to live in Bangkok after making certain your new found love isn't a ladyboy, good luck to you. Whichever you choose, break it to her/him gently that as much as it seems unlikely, your brother in law is really a Brummie with a speech impediment.

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

LOVE IT

M&M

 

[MikeP]

Dear Uncle Braykewynde,

I need your help! I am married to a wonderful woman, but I find it really difficult to be faithful. Her sister, her mother, her cousin, her interior designer ... all conquests. This leads me to a problem with making decisions. So many choices, but who to choose? My wife has a great temperament, but her sister has a better body. Then her mother has experience and her cousin innocence, whilst the interior designer has style. I just can't make decisions!

So here is my question: should I buy a Volkswagen or an Audi?

 

[Lord Braykewynde]

Dear Wandering Willie,

after taking advice from female colleagues and my man with a paint brush and turps we understand your dilema. We have all come to the same conclusion but are not sure if this is the way you want to go. With the stress that this must bring we think you should forget women and bat for the otherside. Forget the VW or Audi and buy a pink Citroen 2CV instead, at least then the interior designer would be pleased with your choice of colour.

 

[JeremyClarksson]

Dear Uncle LB

The other day I got about a mile from home when the engine stalled and would not start again.

I went home to fetch my husband, but found him in the bedroom dressed in my underwear and wearing a pink wig.

I have tried to get him to get help and despite all my best efforts he refuses.

I have even threatened to leave him.

You are my last resort if you can not help I do not know what I will do next.

PLEASE PLEASE help me.

Do you think it is a fuel or sparks problem?

 

[Lord Braykewynde]

Dear Marriedtoaperv,

a fuel or sparks problem? My man with the hotrod agrees with me that it is both. You need a spark in your marriage to get the fuel flowing again and to stop your husband trying to compete with you. What we suggest is to wait until the perv, I mean your husband, is dressed in your thong, red lippy and stilletoes and surprise him by arriving home dressed in an oily, smelly mechanics boiler suit. If the smell of deisel does not turn him on, back into his manly hirsute ways, we suggest you enrol at your local college on a car mechanics course. Maybe then you will be able to fix your own clapped out car instead of sending us stupid letters to p*$$ us off.

 

[JeremyClarksson]

Dear Uncle LB

I walked into a house and asked the owner who was the person in the picture on the wall?

He replied "his father was my fathers only son"

Who was the picture of?

 

[LMH]

Dear Uncle Lord B

My name is Gladis and I am 83 and widowed. I park my tiny tiny car on my drive. I have a new neighbour who lives next door but one. He is the image of Michael Barrymore. He is about 45 and his 'partner' is about 27.

The problem is Uncle Lord B, this man keeps parking his car in front of my house which is really annoying me. I have been parking my car in front of my house rather than the drive but each time I move my car, that man parks his car where mine was within a few minutes.

Any suggestions as to what I can do about this, I apprecaite that I cannot stop anyone parking on the front of my house providing the car is taxed but it's driving me insane, coupled with the fact that he looks like Barrymore which is not what I want to see when I am peering from behind my nets.

Hope you can help me.

Gladis Braithwaite

(age 83 and available)

 

[Lord Braykewynde]

Dear Gullible, when was the last time you had your eyes checked. People will tell you anything and you will believe them. The picture was of yourself ... you were looking in a mirror. Get a white stick or get your eyes checked, it will also save you walking into houses.

 

[JeremyClarksson]

Dear Uncle LB

The picture was of the mans son

ie. his fathers son was him so the picture was of his son

 

[JeremyClarksson]

Dear Uncle LB

I am considering replacing my old brake pipes on my old Triumph Vitesse with pipes made from copper but have been informed that ones made from a copper nickel mix are better.

Is this true?

 

[Lord Braykewynde]

Dear Gladis, fancy that, an 83 year old lady who is still driving, well done girl. Now stop your whingeing and just be pleased that you are still breathing at your age. If that's all you have to do all day, you need to get out more. Be nice to your neighbour and maybe Michael will let you use his swimming pool so that some of your time will be taken up with exercise instead of sticking your snout from behind the nets. Play your cards right and his 27 year old friend could end up being your toy boy. Remember what I told you Gladis, stop your moaning, I hear that's what you've been doing all your life. By the way, I'm glad your husband is finally at peace.

 

[JeremyClarksson]

Dear Uncle LB

I believe I am in a permanent state of self denial so who wrote this post?

My other half says I am schizophrenic.

I thought I was going through a period of depression but apparently it has just been a bad summer so far.

Where is nurse?

 

[LMH]

Thanks Uncle Lord B. I don't need to use Michael's pool because I have a lovely neighbour called Lisa who lets me use hers. It's a bit scary when she's got her two dogs in it at the same time as me, but musn't grumble.

I have to say, Uncle Lord B, I'm a little disappointed to read your reply.

How would you feel if Michael Barrymore's look alike was parking his car outside the front of your house? All this jumping up and down, rushing to move my car at my age isn't doing my legs any good at all.

I thought you might have offered to come round with young emmerson at least to sort this fellow out.

Do you like chicken soup and home made lemonade?

Gladis Braithwaite.

 

[Lol1]

Dear U.B.

Please help.

Today I found out that our son is a straight gay. Not only that, he's in trouble with the law for 6th degree murder and is only out on bail because I managed to scrape up the

 

[Lord Braykewynde]

Dear Idle Bass Turd

What the hell do you think I am? For your information I'm an agony uncle, not a God. How on earth do you think I can help you out of that situation, do you think I'm all knowing? On this one I'm in total agreement with her with the T.V. Times. Stub your *** out, put your pint down and get your idle fat a$$ up out of the chair and change channels manually,

yours, a thoroughly p*$$ed orf Braykewynde.

 

[colin(bridgend)]

Dear Uncle B. If I may be so bold as to call you my uncle. I have a problem and I am beside my self with worry. I don't even know how to start to put my problem into words. I am totally confused and would appreciate advice on how to express my self in writing so that you may be able to help me. Any initial advice would be very much appreciated as I am lost for words.

From a dear lost and confused Welsh "nephew".

 

[Lord Braykewynde]

Dear Colyn ap Pen-y-bond ar Ogwr

I know you have a problem, infact I know you have many problems, but you can't help being Welsh, please don't take it personally. My contact with books (librarian) says that if you are lost for words buy a dictionary, theres thousands in there.

Maybe you would be able to express yourself more clearly if you hadn't spent most of your schooldays playing truant. Alls not lost though, get up off your rump and go to college, that's after seeking advice from a shrink for your confused mental state. Rest assured Colyn ap Pen-y-bond ar Ogwr, if you are that lost and you wander as far as Offa's **** my sentries will soon point you in the right direction back to Wales.

Obligingly yours,

Uncle Braykewynde.

 

[emmerson2]

Dear Uncle B, I notice that you and I have an invitation to Gladis Braithwaite's to sort out her small problem. Well, I'm waiting for you to contact me to arrange a date. I just hope you haven't taken advantage of my absence (or, indeed, Gladis Braithwaite) and sneaked off round there on your own. This is not the sort of behavior I would expect of a peer the realm, but I suppose, as you're from Hereford, anything is possible. Please contact me to arrange a mutually convenient date.

Yours, a very wet Welshman.

 

[Lord Braykewynde]

Dear emmerson,

would you be the Michael Barrymore lookalike that Gladis rants about in her demented state? If so my man in Harley St. can recommend a good plastic surgeon.

 

[emmerson2]

Heaven forfend! No no no, I'm much more the George Clooney type (or so my daughter tells me when she wants to borrow a few quid).