I just received these on my email. by the way I've put a post on overseas, with all this time on your hands can you offer any help????
The 1st Affair
>
> A married man was having an affair
> with his secretary.
> One day they went to her place
> and made love all afternoon.
> Exhausted, they fell asleep
> and woke up at 8 PM.
> The man hurriedly dressed
> and told his lover to take his shoes
> outside and rub them in the grass and dirt.
> He put on his shoes and drove home.
> "Where have you been?" his wife demanded.
> "I can't lie to you," he replied,
> "I'm having an affair with my secretary.
> We had sex all afternoon."
> She looked down at his shoes and said:
> "You lying b*****d!
> You've been playing golf!"
>
> The 2nd Affair
>
> A middle-aged couple had two beautiful daughters
> but always talked about having a son.
> They decided to try one last time
> for the son they always wanted.
> The wife got pregnant
> and delivered a healthy baby boy.
> The joyful father rushed to the nursery
> to see his new son.
> He was horrified
> at the ugliest child he had ever seen.
> He told his wife: "There's no way I can be the father of this baby.
> Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered! Have you been
> fooling around behind my back?"
> The wife smiled sweetly and replied:
> "Not this time!"
>
> The 3rd Affair
>
> A mortician was working late one night.
> He examined the body of Mr. Schwartz,
> about to be cremated,
> and made a startling discovery.
> Schwartz had the largest private part
> he had ever seen!
> "I'm sorry Mr. Schwartz," the mortician
> commented, "I can't allow you to be cremated
> with such an impressive private part.
> It must be saved for posterity."
> So, he removed it,
> stuffed it into his briefcase,
> and took it home
> "I have something to show
> you won't believe," he said to his wife,
> opening his briefcase.
> "My God!" the wife exclaimed,
> "Schwartz is dead!"
>
> The 4th Affair
>
> A woman was in bed with her lover
> when she heard her husband
> opening the front door.
> "Hurry," she said, "stand in the corner."
> She rubbed baby oil all over him,
> then dusted him with talcum powder.
> "Don't move until I tell you,"
> she said, " pretend you're a statue."
> "What's this?" the husband inquired
> as he entered the room.
> "Oh it's a statue," she replied,
> "the Smiths bought one and I liked it
> so I got one for us, too."
> No more was said,
> not even when they went to bed.
> Around 2 AM the husband got up,
> went to the kitchen and returned
> with a sandwich and a beer.
> "Here," he said to the statue, have this.
> I stood like that for two days at the Smiths
> and nobody offered me a damned thing."
>
> The 5th Affair
>
> A man walked into a cafe,
> went to the bar and ordered a beer.
> "Certainly, Sir , that'll be one cent."
> "One Cent?" the man exclaimed.
> He glanced at the menu and asked:
> "How much for a nice juicy steak
> and a bottle of wine?"
> "A nickel," the barman replied.
> "A nickel?" exclaimed the man.
> "Where's the guy who owns this place?"
> The bartender replied:
> "Upstairs, with my wife."
> The man asked: "What's he doing upstairs
> with your wife?"
> The bartender replied:
> "The same thing
> I'm doing to his business down here."
>
>
>
> The 6th Affair
>
> Jake was dying. His wife sat at the bedside.
> He looked up and said weakly:
> "I have something I must confess."
> "There's no need to, " his wife replied.
> "No," he insisted,
> "I want to die in peace.
> I slept with your sister, your best friend,
> her best friend, and your mother!"
> "I know," she replied,
> " now just rest
> and let the poison work."
>
--
No virus found in this incoming message.
Checked by AVG Free Edition.
Version: 7.1.371 / Virus Database: 267.14.17/229 - Release Date:
13/01/2006
The 1st Affair
>
> A married man was having an affair
> with his secretary.
> One day they went to her place
> and made love all afternoon.
> Exhausted, they fell asleep
> and woke up at 8 PM.
> The man hurriedly dressed
> and told his lover to take his shoes
> outside and rub them in the grass and dirt.
> He put on his shoes and drove home.
> "Where have you been?" his wife demanded.
> "I can't lie to you," he replied,
> "I'm having an affair with my secretary.
> We had sex all afternoon."
> She looked down at his shoes and said:
> "You lying b*****d!
> You've been playing golf!"
>
> The 2nd Affair
>
> A middle-aged couple had two beautiful daughters
> but always talked about having a son.
> They decided to try one last time
> for the son they always wanted.
> The wife got pregnant
> and delivered a healthy baby boy.
> The joyful father rushed to the nursery
> to see his new son.
> He was horrified
> at the ugliest child he had ever seen.
> He told his wife: "There's no way I can be the father of this baby.
> Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered! Have you been
> fooling around behind my back?"
> The wife smiled sweetly and replied:
> "Not this time!"
>
> The 3rd Affair
>
> A mortician was working late one night.
> He examined the body of Mr. Schwartz,
> about to be cremated,
> and made a startling discovery.
> Schwartz had the largest private part
> he had ever seen!
> "I'm sorry Mr. Schwartz," the mortician
> commented, "I can't allow you to be cremated
> with such an impressive private part.
> It must be saved for posterity."
> So, he removed it,
> stuffed it into his briefcase,
> and took it home
> "I have something to show
> you won't believe," he said to his wife,
> opening his briefcase.
> "My God!" the wife exclaimed,
> "Schwartz is dead!"
>
> The 4th Affair
>
> A woman was in bed with her lover
> when she heard her husband
> opening the front door.
> "Hurry," she said, "stand in the corner."
> She rubbed baby oil all over him,
> then dusted him with talcum powder.
> "Don't move until I tell you,"
> she said, " pretend you're a statue."
> "What's this?" the husband inquired
> as he entered the room.
> "Oh it's a statue," she replied,
> "the Smiths bought one and I liked it
> so I got one for us, too."
> No more was said,
> not even when they went to bed.
> Around 2 AM the husband got up,
> went to the kitchen and returned
> with a sandwich and a beer.
> "Here," he said to the statue, have this.
> I stood like that for two days at the Smiths
> and nobody offered me a damned thing."
>
> The 5th Affair
>
> A man walked into a cafe,
> went to the bar and ordered a beer.
> "Certainly, Sir , that'll be one cent."
> "One Cent?" the man exclaimed.
> He glanced at the menu and asked:
> "How much for a nice juicy steak
> and a bottle of wine?"
> "A nickel," the barman replied.
> "A nickel?" exclaimed the man.
> "Where's the guy who owns this place?"
> The bartender replied:
> "Upstairs, with my wife."
> The man asked: "What's he doing upstairs
> with your wife?"
> The bartender replied:
> "The same thing
> I'm doing to his business down here."
>
>
>
> The 6th Affair
>
> Jake was dying. His wife sat at the bedside.
> He looked up and said weakly:
> "I have something I must confess."
> "There's no need to, " his wife replied.
> "No," he insisted,
> "I want to die in peace.
> I slept with your sister, your best friend,
> her best friend, and your mother!"
> "I know," she replied,
> " now just rest
> and let the poison work."
>
--
No virus found in this incoming message.
Checked by AVG Free Edition.
Version: 7.1.371 / Virus Database: 267.14.17/229 - Release Date:
13/01/2006
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