Lord Braykewynde's African fact-finding mission cancelled

[Parksy]

Our very own Lord Braykewynde who as a pee er of the Realm is the governments advisor on colonic disorders has been forced to call off his planned fact finding mission to the African state of Malawi.
A spokesperson for his Lordship said that Lord Braykwynde had been advised to cancel the trip to avoid falling foul of legislation recently introduced by the Malawian government leader Dr Binghu wa Mutharika.
Read more on this story Here

 

[Dustydog]

Looks like there'll be full time jobs for sniffer dogs

 

[Surfer]

Beautiful country and pleasant people. If you like fishing that is the place to go. Have quite a few friends who are living there and have lived there. I really envy them.

 

[Gagakev]

That really STINKS, bet LB was really looking forward to letting rip.

 

[OmOnWeelz]

Nice one Mod. rofl

 

[Reg]

one
I'm prettty sure his lordship will be aware of the measures one can take to avoid being detected when passing wnd.

1. Before guffing always do a few sniffs whilst looking suspiciously at the nearest person.......... usually the wife.
2. Become a dog owner ........ down boy.

I'm sure there are many more.

 

[Parksy]

It's no coincidence that Lord B owns two dogs

 

[Lord Braykewynde]

Dear all,
just to clarify things, yes, the Foreign Office did cancel my trip although I didn't know the reason why. I fear Her Ladyship was aware of this because she was adamant she wasn't going to accompany me. I wonder why

Like all females, Her Ladyship is skilled in the art of silent fluffers and yes, as soon as the pheromones hit my nasal receptors and my proboscis goes into spasm she is already blaming the youngest dog (a male).
I do believe that if controlled, the less methane going into the atmostphere will help with our co2 output so along with regulating the diets of cows etc. maybe we could implement such a law. It would be practical if the boffins of this country could develop a clothing dye so that when one fluffs your garments change colour making it easier to spot the offending polluter. A £60 fine sounds suitable along with a community sentence of 100 hours working at a sewage works. The latter would be enough to make them clench their buttocks and breath in when future colonic rumblings occur. I realise the sales of cider, beans, curries etc. would fall but surely the purity of the air we breath is manifest,

regards,
His Windyship.

p.s. maybe the government could find some way of taxing offenders. If so I know my good friend Baron Tornass would be in the super tax band along with his mistress, Lady Pooter.

 

[Chris_Hyde_Cheshire.]

LB, I worked on a sewage (Wastewater) treatment works for over twenty years up until returning to fresh water last may. There were at times some really awful smells, but by far the worst was some tankered waste that came in - It was condensate from a baked bean factory, and believe me it was b)$**y disgusting. I will never complain about a "guff" again!!!

 

[Reg]

I'd wonder if his lordship could clarify a few points?
Wouldn't it be more prudent if the government were to sponsor a means of harnessing the methane expelled by the unfortunates with overproduction of this gas? This could be used in place of fossel fuels, increase the sale baked beans and encourage heavy beer drinkers etc and of course would carry a large fuel tax. All good for the economy.
Perhaps it could be marketed as "Guffolene" and people could receive tax relief or a bonus depending on the amount they produce. I can hear the slogans now "Fart today and pay your way" or "Fart for your country"
Also could you tell us if the origin of things like "Old Fart" or "Windbag" in reference to our senior peers is a coincidence?
and my last question
Were the extractor fans in the House of Lords connected to the Battersea Power Station before it was closed?

 

[Dustydog]

This reminds me of the old school boy poem:

........his ba££s were made of brass
in windy weather they clanked together
and sparks flew out of his a$$e.

Now I know there was some truth in that poem. It was LB's reference to methane.