Caught speeding this morning.

May 24, 2014
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Sorry to report I have just been caught by the bobbies doing 80 in a 30 limit.

The officer was not amused and he asked me what in the name of sanity was I playing at.

I explained that my wife ran away witha policeman last week and I thought he was bringing her back B)
 
Nov 16, 2015
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Thingy said:
Sorry to report I have just been caught by the bobbies doing 80 in a 30 limit.

The officer was not amused and he asked me what in the name of sanity was I playing at.

I explained that my wife ran away witha policeman last week and I thought he was bringing her back B)

:p
 

Parksy

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Nov 12, 2009
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The same thing almost happened to me Thingy...
I must admit between ourselves that I was doing 65mph along a road with a 30mph limit but don't tell anybody.
The bobby flagged me down and asked why I was speeding.
I told him that I was worried in case my home made bomb went off prematurely and that the dead body of my other half was in the boot along with my assault rifle and grenades.
Naturally the constable backed off and took cover to radio his superior officers.
In what seemed like no time at all my car was surrounded by armed police and bomb disposal sappers.
Their head honcho ordered me out of my car to lie on the floor to be searched so I complied.
There was nothing incriminating on me so the chief inspector asked me where the bomb was hidden.
I replied that I didn't know what he was talking about, so the boss man asked about the dead body, the assault rifle and grenades in the boot.
I calmly opened the car boot to reveal.....nothing, just a clean empty space.
The head honcho told me that the constable had sent a report about the body, the bomb, the rifle and grenades.
Outraged, I replied that I bet that the lying $%*&^* had told them that I'd been speeding as well! :lol:
 
Jun 17, 2011
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I phoned the law to tell them burglars were breaking into my shed. They said they had no resources. 2 minutes later I phoned to tell them the problem was solved because I had shot the burglar. Within minutes my shed was surrounded by armed police, the head man asked where the burglar was and I admitted the lie. He accused me of lying. I told him he’d told me he had no resources! Thanks to Jethro for this one, I think.
 
May 24, 2014
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Some vandals broke into one of the smaller police stations locally and smashed all the toilets. Wont be any arrests as the police have nothing to go on.

AND

The police came to our house today and asked where i was between five and eleven. I said junior school.

AND just one more.

Nock Nock
Who is there.
The Police
Whaddya want.
We would just like to talk
How many of you are there.
Two
Talk to each other.
 
Nov 16, 2015
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I found a way to make my wife drive more carefully. I told her, if she ever got in an accident, the newspapers would print her real age.
 
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"and that the dead body of my other half was in the boot " If you had an allotment, you could have told them she was buried there........it would then have received a thorough digging through courtesy of the boys in blue........
 
Nov 11, 2009
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Recently a routine police patrol was parked outside a bar in the town. After last call, the officer noticed a man leaving the bar so apparently intoxicated that he could barely walk. The man stumbled around the parking lot for a few minutes, with the officer quietly observing. After what seemed an eternity, in which he tried his keys on five different vehicles, the man managed to find his car and fall into it. He sat there for a few minutes as a number of other patrons left the bar and drove off. Finally he started the car, switched the wipers on and off; it was a fine, dry summer night, flicked the blinkers on and off a couple of times, honked the horn and then switched on the lights. He moved the vehicle forward a few inches, reversed a little, and then remained still for a few more minutes as some more of the other patrons' vehicles left. At last, when his was the only car left in the parking lot, he pulled out and drove slowly down the road. The police officer, having waited patiently all this time, now started up his patrol car, put on the flashing lights, and promptly pulled the man over and administered a breathalyser test. To his amazement, the breathalyzer indicated no evidence that the man had consumed any alcohol at all! Dumbfounded, the officer said, "I'll have to ask you to accompany me to the police station. This breathalyser equipment must be broken." "I doubt it," said the truly proud Redneck. "Tonight I'm the designated decoy."
 

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