The silly joke thread - NOT WORK SAFE

[Lord Braykewynde]

A blind man wanders into a lesbian biker bar by mistake. He finds his

way to a bar stool and orders a drink.

After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender, "Hey, you

wanna hear a blonde joke?"

The bar immediately falls absolutely quiet. In a very deep, husky

voice, the woman next to him says, "Before you tell that joke, sir, I

think it is only fair -- given that you are blind -- that you should

know five things:

1. The bartender is a blonde woman with a baseball bat.

2. The bouncer is a blonde woman.

3. I'm a 6-foot-tall, 185-lb. blonde woman with a black belt in karate.

4. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional

weightlifter.

5. The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler.

Now, think about it seriously, mister. Do you still wanna tell that

joke? "

The blind man thinks for a second, shakes his head and mutters, "Nah...

not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times."

 

[MIkeS_5091146]

Two Aerials meet on a roof - fall in love - get married. The ceremony was rubbish but the Reception was Brilliant.

------------------------------

One for Clive:

"Doc, I can't stop singing the green green grass of home."

"That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome. "

"Is it common? "

"It's not unusual."

------------------------------

"Doctor, I can't pronounce my F's, T's and H's."

"Well you can't say fairer than that then"

 

[Lord Braykewynde]

A man goes to the zoo.

When he gets there, there is only a dog.

It was a shitzu.

 

[Lord Braykewynde]

"Why God made moms" answers given by elementary school age children to the following questions:

Why did God make mothers?

1. She's the only one who knows where the scotch tape is.

2. Mostly to clean the house.

3. To help us out of there when we were getting born.

How did God make mothers?

1. He used dirt, just like for the rest of us.

2. Magic plus super powers and a lot of stirring.

3. God made my Mom just the same like he made me. He just used bigger parts.

What ingredients are mothers made of?

1. God makes mothers out of clouds and angel hair and everything nice in the world and one dab of mean.

2. They had to get their start from men's bones. Then they mostly use string, I think.

Why did God give you your mother and not some other Mom?

1. We're related.

2. God knew she likes me a lot more than other people's moms like me.

What kind of little girl was your Mom?

1. My Mom has always been my Mom and none of that other stuff.

2. I don't know because I wasn't there, but my guess would be pretty bossy.

3. They say she used to be nice.

What did Mom need to know about dad before she married him?

1. His last name.

2. She had to know his background. Like is he a crook? Does he get drunk on beer?

3. Does he make at least $800 a year? Did he say NO to drugs and YES to chores?

Why did your Mom marry your dad?

1. My dad makes the best spaghetti in the world. And my Mom eats a lot.

2. She got too old to do anything else with him.

3. My grandma says that Mom didn't have her thinking cap on.

Who's the boss at your house?

1. Mom doesn't want to be boss, but she has to because dad's such a goof ball.

2. Mom. You can tell by room inspection. She sees the stuff under the bed.

3. I guess Mom is, but only because she has a lot more to do than dad.

What's the difference between moms and dads?

1. Moms work at work & work at home, & dads just go to work at work.

2. Moms know how to talk to teachers without scaring them.

3. Dads are taller & stronger, but moms have all the real power 'cause that's who you got to ask if you want to sleep over at your friend's. Moms have magic, they make you feel better without medicine.

What does your Mom do in her spare time?

1. Mothers don't do spare time.

2. To hear her tell it, she pays bills all day long.

What would it take to make your Mom perfect?

1. On the inside she's already perfect. Outside, I think some kind of plastic surgery.

2. Diet. You know, her hair. I'd diet, maybe blue.

If you could change one thing about your Mom, what would it be?

1. She has this weird thing about me keeping my room clean. I'd get rid of that.

2. I'd make my Mom smarter. Then she would know it was my sister who did it and not me.

3. I would like for her to get rid of those invisible eyes on her back.

==============================

THE MOMMY TEST I was out walking with my 4 year old daughter. She picked up something off the ground and started to put it in her mouth. I took the item away from her and I asked her not to do that. "Why?" my daughter asked. "Because it's been laying outside, you don't know where it's been, it's dirty and probably has germs" I replied. At this point, my daughter looked at me with total admiration and asked, "Wow! How do you know all this stuff?" "Uh," ...I was thinking quickly,"All moms know this stuff. It's on the Mommy Test. You have to know it, or they don't let you be a Mommy." We walked along in silence for 2 or 3 minutes, but she was evidently pondering this new information. "OH...I get it!" she beamed, "So if you don't pass the test you have to be the daddy." "Exactly" I replied back with a big smile on my face and joy in my heart.

=====================

Too cute! "Dear Lord," the preacher began with arms extended and a rapturous look on his upturned face, "without you we are but dust..." He would have continued, but at that moment one very obedient little girl (who was listening carefully) leaned over to her mother and asked quite audibly in her shrill little girl voice, "Mommy, WHAT is butt dust?" Church was pretty much over at that point...

 

[Lord Braykewynde]

A couple had been married for 50 years. They were sitting at the breakfast table one morning when the wife says, "Just think, fifty years ago we were sitting here at this breakfast table together." "I know," the old man said.

"We were probably sitting here naked as a jaybird fifty years ago."

"Well," Granny snickered. "Let's relieve some old times."

Where upon, the two stripped to the buff and sat down at the table. "You know, honey," the little old lady breathlessly replied, "My nipples are as hot for you today as they were fifty years ago."

I wouldn't be surprised, replied Gramps.

"One's in your coffee and the other is in your porridge."

 

[Lord Braykewynde]

"It's that time of year to take our annual senior citizen test."

Exercise of the brain is as important as exercise of the muscles. As we grow older, it's important that we keep mentally alert The saying; "If you don't use it, you will lose it" also applies to the brain, so... Below is a very private way to gauge your loss or non-loss of intelligence.

So, take the following test presented here and determine if you are losing it or are still "with it." The spaces below are so you don't see the answers until you have made your answer.

OK, relax, clear your mind and... begin

WELL MAYBE NOT THAT CLEAR!

1. What do you put in a toaster?

Answer: "bread." If you said "toast," then give up now and go do something else. Try not to hurt yourself. If you said, "bread," go to Question 2.

2. Say "silk" five times. Now spell "silk." What do cows drink?

Answer: Cows drink water. If you said "milk," please do not

attempt the next question Your brain is obviously over stressed and may even overheat It may be that you need to content yourself with reading something more appropriate such as Children's World. If you said "water" then proceed to question 3.

3. If a red house is made from red bricks and a blue house is made from blue bricks and a pink house is made from pink bricks and a black house is made from black bricks, what is a green house made from?

Answer: Greenhouses are made from glass. If you said "green

bricks," what the devil are you still doing here reading these questions?????

If you said "glass," then! go on to Question 4.

4. It's twenty years ago, and a plane is flying at 20,000 feet over

Germany (If you will recall, Germany at the time was politically

divided into West Germany and East Germany) Anyway, during the flight, TWO of the engines fail. The pilot, realizing that the last remaining engine is also failing, decides on a crash landing procedure. Unfortunately the engine fails before he has time and the plane fatally crashes smack in the middle of "no man's land" between East Germany and West Germany. Where would you bury the survivors? East Germany or West Germany or in "no man's land"?

Answer: You don't, of course, bury survivors.

If you said ANYTHING else, you are a real dunce and you must NEVER try to rescue anyone from a plane crash. Your efforts would not be appreciated. If you said, "Don't bury the survivors", then proceed to the next question.

5. Without using a calculator - You are driving a bus from London to Milford Haven in Wales. In London, 17 people get on the bus. In Reading, six people get off the bus and nine people get on. In Swindon, two people get off and four get on. In Cardiff, 11 people get off and 16 people get on. In Swansea, three people get off and five people get on In Carmathen, six people get off and three get on. You then arrive at Milford Haven. What was the name of the bus driver?

Answer: Oh, for crying out loud!

Don't you remember your own name? It was YOU!!

 

[Lord Braykewynde]

The Sensitive Co-worker

Three Arkansas Rednecks were working on the Bell South tower - Steve, Bruce and Jed.

Steve falls off and is killed instantly.

As the ambulance takes the body away, Bruce says, "Someone should go and tell his wife."

Jed says, "OK, I'm pretty good at that sensitive stuff, I'll do it."

An hour later, he comes back carrying a case of Budweiser.

Bruce says, "Where did you get that, Jed?"

"Steve's wife gave it to me," Jed replies.

"That's unbelievable, you told the lady her husband was dead and she gave you the beer?"

"Well not exactly," Jed says. "When she answered the door, I said to her,'You must be Steve's widow'."

She said, 'No, I'm not a widow.'

And I said, 'I'll bet you a case of Budweiser you are'."

 

[Lord Braykewynde]

The 1st Affair

A married man was having an affair with his secretary. One day they went to her place and made love all afternoon. Exhausted, they fell asleep and woke up at 8 PM. The man hurriedly dressed and told his lover to take his shoes outside and rub them in the grass and dirt. He put on his shoes and drove home. Where have you been?" his wife demanded. "I can't lie to you," he replied, "I'm having an affair with my secretary. We had sex all afternoon." She looked down at his shoes and said: "You lying bastard! You've been playing golf!"

The 2nd Affair

A middle-aged couple had two beautiful daughters but always talked about having a son. They decided to try one last time for the son they always wanted. The wife got pregnant and delivered a healthy baby boy. The joyful father rushed to the nursery to see his new son. He was horrified at the ugliest child he had ever seen. He told his wife: "There's no way I can be the father of this baby. Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered! Have you been fooling around behind my back?" The wife smiled sweetly and replied: "Not this time!"

The 3rd Affair

A mortician was working late one night. He examined the body of Mr. Schwartz, about to be cremated, and made a startling discovery. Schwartz had the largest private part he had ever seen!"I'm sorry Mr. Schwartz," the mortician commented, "I can't allow you to be cremated with such an impressive private part. It must be saved for posterity." So, he removed it, stuffed it into his briefcase, and took it home "I have something to show you won't believe," he said to his wife, opening his briefcase. "My God!" the wife exclaimed, "Schwartz is dead!"

The 4th Affair A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the front door. "Hurry," she said, "stand in the corner." She rubbed baby oil all over him, then dusted him with talcum powder. "Don't move until I tell you," she said, " pretend you're a statue." "What's this?" the husband inquired as he entered the room. "Oh it's a statue," she replied, "the Smiths bought one and I liked it so I got one for us, too." No more was said, not even when they went to bed. Around 2 AM the husband got up and went to the kitchen and returned with a sandwich and a beer. "Here," he said to the statue, have this. I stood like that for two days at the Smiths and nobody offered me a damned thing."

The 5th Affair A man walked into a cafe, went to the bar and ordered a beer. "Certainly, Sir , that'll be one cent." "One Cent?" the man exclaimed. He glanced at the menu and asked: "How much for a nice juicy steak and a bottle of wine?" "A nickel," the barman replied. "A nickel?" exclaimed the man. "Where's the guy who owns this place?" The bartender replied: "Upstairs, with my wife." The man asked: "What's he doing upstairs with your wife?" The bartender replied: "The same thing I'm doing to his business down here."

The 6th Affair

Jake was dying. His wife sat at the bedside. He looked up and said weakly: "I have something I must confess." "There's no need to, " his wife replied. "No," he insisted, "I want to die in peace. I slept with your sister, your best friend, her best friend, and your mother!" "I know," she replied, "now just rest and let the poison work."

 

[emmerson2]

Punctuate this sentence.

Woman without her man is a savage.

 

[Lord Braykewynde]

Replies by patients during colonoscopies:

Colonoscopies are no joke , but these comments during the exam were

quite humorous.....

A physician claimed that the following are actual comments made by his

(predominately male) patients while he was performing their

colonoscopies:

1. "Take it easy, Doc. You're boldly going where no man has gone before!

2. "Find Amelia Earhart yet?"

3. "Can you hear me NOW?"

4. "Are we there yet? Are we there yet?!? Are we there yet??!!??"

5. "You know, in Arkansas, we're now legally married."

6. "Any sign of the trapped miners, Chief?"

7. "You put your left hand in, you take your left hand out..."

8. "Hey! Now I know how a Muppet feels!"

9. "If your hand doesn't fit, you must quit!

10. "Hey Doc, let me know if you find my dignity."

11. "You used to be an executive at Enron, didn't you?"

((( And the best one of all... )))

13. "Could you write a note for my wife saying that my head is not up there?"

 

[Lord Braykewynde]

Subject: Fw: Fwd: Telephone Enquiries

Customer: "I've been ringing 0700 2300 for two days and can't get through to enquiries, can you help. Operator: "Where did you get that number from, sir?". Customer: "It was on the door to the Travel Centre". Operator: "Sir, they are our opening hours".

Samsung Electronics Caller: "Can you give me the telephone number for Jack?" Operator: "I'm sorry, sir, I don't understand who you are talking about ". Caller: "On page 1, section 5, of the user guide it clearly states that I need to unplug the fax machine from the AC wall socket and telephone Jack before cleaning. Now, can you give me the number for Jack?" Operator: "I think you mean the telephone point on the wall".

RAC Motoring Services Caller: "Does your European Breakdown Policy cover me when I am travelling in Australia ?" Operator: Doesn't the product name give you a clue?

Directory Enquiries Caller: "I'd like the number of the Argoed Fish Bar in Cardiff please". Operator: "I'm sorry, there's no listing. Is the spelling correct?" Caller: "Well, it used to be called the Bargoed Fish Bar but the 'B' fell off".

Then there was the caller who asked for a knitwear company in Woven. Operator: "Woven? Are you sure?" Caller: "Yes. That's what it says on the label; Woven in Scotland ".

On another occasion, a man making heavy breathing sounds from a phone box told a worried operator: "I haven't got a pen, so I'm steaming up the window to write the number on".

There's always one. This has got to be one of the funniest things in a long time. I think this guy should have been promoted, not fired. This is a true story from the Word Perfect Helpline, which was transcribed from a recording monitoring the customer care department. Needless to say the Help Desk employee was fired; however, he/she is currently suing the Word Perfect organization for "Termination without Cause".

Actual dialogue of a former WordPerfect Customer & Support employee.

Operator: "Ridge Hall, computer assistance; may I help you?" Caller: "Yes, well, I'm having trouble with WordPerfect." Operator: "What sort of trouble??" Caller: "Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away." Operator: "Went away?" Caller: "They disappeared." Operator: "Hmm. So what does your screen look like now?" Caller: "Nothing." Operator: "Nothing??" Caller: "It's blank; it won't accept anything when I type." Operator: "Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out??" Caller: "How do I tell?" Operator: "Can you see the C: prompt on the screen??" Caller: "What's a sea-prompt?" Operator: "Never mind, can you move your cursor around the screen?" Caller: "There isn't any cursor: I told you, it won't accept anything I type." Operator: "Does your monitor have a power indicator??" Caller: "What's a monitor?" Operator: "It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV. Does it have a little light that tells you when it's on??" Caller: "I don't know." Operator: "Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power cord goes into it. Can you see that??" Caller: "Yes, I think so." Operator: "Great. Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's plugged into the wall. Caller: "Yes, it is." Operator: "When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one??" Caller: "No." Operator: "Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the other cable." Caller: "Okay, here it is." Operator: "Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged securely into the back of your computer." Caller: "I can't reach." Operator: "Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is??" Caller: "No." Operator: "Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over??" Caller: "Oh, it's not because I don't have the right angle - it's because it's dark." Operator: "Dark??" Caller: "Yes - the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming in from the window." Operator: "Well, turn on the office light then." Caller: "I can't." Operator: "No? Why not??" Caller: "Because there's a power failure." Operator: "A power... A power failure? Aha, Okay, we've got it licked now. Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff you computer came in?? Caller: "Well, yes, I keep them in the closet." Operator: "Good. Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like it was when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it from." Caller: "Really? Is it that bad?" Operator: "Yes, I'm afraid it is." Caller: "Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them??" Operator: "Tell them you're too f******* stupid to own a computer."

 

[cris_408518]

Dyslexic guy sold his soul to Santa! ;-)

Think he was called **** or ***** ;-)

 

[colin(bridgend)]

Was there a get out clause in the agreement sale?

 

[Lord Braykewynde]

Dog-gone

A little girl asked her Mom, " Mom, may I take the dog for a walk around the block? "

Mom replies, " No, because she is in heat. "

" What's that mean? " asked the child.

" Go ask your father. I think he's in the garage. "

The little girl goes to the garage and says, " Dad, may I take Belle for a walk around the block? I asked Mom, but she said the dog was in heat, and to come to you. "

Dad said, "Bring Belle over here. "

He took a rag, soaked it with petrol, and scrubbed the dog's backside with it to disguise the scent, and said "OK, you can go now, but keep Belle on the leash and only go one time round the block. "

The little girl left and returned a few minutes later with no dog on the leash.

Surprised, Dad asked, " Where's Belle? "

The little girl said, " She ran out of petrol about halfway down the block, so another dog is pushing her home. "

 

[Lord Braykewynde]

A man goes to see Mel Gibson's movie, The Passion, and is inspired to take his family to Israel to see the places where Jesus lived and died.

While on vacation his mother-in-law dies.

An undertaker in Tel Aviv explains that they can ship the body home to London at a cost of

 

[Lord Braykewynde]

A British Airway's passenger cabin was being served by an obviously gay flight attendant, who seemed to put everyone into a good mood as he served them food and drinks. As the plane prepared to descend, he came swishing down the aisle and announced to the passengers: "Captain Marvey has asked me to announce that he'll be landing the big scary plane shortly, lovely people, so if you could just put up your trays, that would be super." On his trip back up the aisle, he noticed that a well-dressed rather exotic looking woman hadn't moved a muscle.

"Perhaps you didn't hear me over those big brute engines." he said, "I asked you to raise your trazy-poo so the main man can pitty-pat us on the ground." She calmly turned her head and said, "In my country, I am called a Princess. I take orders from no one."

To which the flight attendant replied, without missing a beat, "Well sweet-cheeks, in my country I'm called a Queen, so I outrank you. Tray-up *****."

 

[Lord Braykewynde]

A little old couple prepares to go to bed. They no sooner hit the pillows when the old man breaks wind and says, "One nil." His wife rolls over and says, "What in the world was that?" The old man replied, "It's Braykewynde football." A few minutes later his wife lets one go and says, Goal - 1-1". After about five minutes the old man lets another one go and says,"Penalty- 2-1." Not to be outdone, the wife rips out another one and says, "Penalty - 2-2." Five seconds go by and she lets out a little squeaker and says,"Free Kick - Goal, 3-2." Now the pressure is on the old man. He refuses to get beaten by a woman so he strains real hard, but to no avail. Realising a defeat is totally unacceptable he gives it everything he's got, and accidentally he poos the bed. The wife says, What the hell was that?" The old man says, "Half time, change sides".

 

[Lord Braykewynde]

A chicken farmer went into a local tavern and took a seat at the bar next to a woman patron and orders a glass of champagne. The woman perks up and says, "How about that? I just ordered a glass of champagne, too!" He turned to her and said, "What a coincidence. This is a special day for me; I'm celebrating." "This is a special day for me, too, and I'm also celebrating!," says the woman. "What a coincidence," says the man. They clinked glasses and he asked, "What are you celebrating?" "My husband and I have been trying to have a child. Today, my gynecologist told me I'm pregnant!" "What a coincidence," says the man. "I'm a chicken farmer. For years all my hens were infertile, but today they're finally fertile." "That's great!" says the woman, "how did your chickens become fertile?" "I switched cocks," he replied. "What a coincidence," she said.

 

[smiley]

Spontaneous laughter !!!

 

[smiley]

Went in the wrong reply.

Was supposed to be for this, the spontaaneous laughter that is..

 

[Tina3]

A British Airway's passenger cabin was being served by an obviously gay flight attendant, who seemed to put everyone into a good mood as he served them food and drinks. As the plane prepared to descend, he came swishing down the aisle and announced to the passengers: "Captain Marvey has asked me to announce that he'll be landing the big scary plane shortly, lovely people, so if you could just put up your trays, that would be super." On his trip back up the aisle, he noticed that a well-dressed rather exotic looking woman hadn't moved a muscle.

"Perhaps you didn't hear me over those big brute engines." he said, "I asked you to raise your trazy-poo so the main man can pitty-pat us on the ground." She calmly turned her head and said, "In my country, I am called a Princess. I take orders from no one."

To which the flight attendant replied, without missing a beat, "Well sweet-cheeks, in my country I'm called a Queen, so I outrank you. Tray-up *****."

LOL LOL That is your best yet !

 

[smiley]

Dog-gone

A little girl asked her Mom, " Mom, may I take the dog for a walk around the block? "

Mom replies, " No, because she is in heat. "

" What's that mean? " asked the child.

" Go ask your father. I think he's in the garage. "

The little girl goes to the garage and says, " Dad, may I take Belle for a walk around the block? I asked Mom, but she said the dog was in heat, and to come to you. "

Dad said, "Bring Belle over here. "

He took a rag, soaked it with petrol, and scrubbed the dog's backside with it to disguise the scent, and said "OK, you can go now, but keep Belle on the leash and only go one time round the block. "

The little girl left and returned a few minutes later with no dog on the leash.

Surprised, Dad asked, " Where's Belle? "

The little girl said, " She ran out of petrol about halfway down the block, so another dog is pushing her home. "

Well I think my brain is now in gear after these jokes.

Got the right box this time, but I've said it twice before so no need to repeat again !!!

 

[sparkes]

Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him (Oh, man, this is so bad, it's good).....

A super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

 

[Lord Braykewynde]

Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him (Oh, man, this is so bad, it's good).....

A super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

lmaaaaaaaooooooooooooooooooooo

 

[Lord Braykewynde]

Don't Braykewynde in Bed.

This is a story about a couple who had been happily married for years. The only friction in their marriage was the husband's habit of breaking wind loudly every morning when he awoke. The noise would wake his wife and the smell would make her eyes water and make her gasp for air. Every morning she would plead with him to stop ripping them off because it was making her sick. He told her he couldn't stop it and that it was perfectly natural. She told him to see a doctor; she was concerned that one day he would blow his guts out. The years went by and he continued to blast them out! Then one Thanksgiving morning as she was preparing the turkey for dinner and he was upstairs sound asleep, she looked at the bowl where she had put the turkey innards and neck, gizzard, liver and all the spare parts and a malicious thought came to her. She took the bowl and went upstairs where her husband was sound asleep and, gently pulling back the bed covers, she pulled back the elastic waistband of his underpants and emptied the bowl of turkey guts into his shorts. Some time later she heard her husband waken with his usual trumpeting which was followed by a blood curdling scream and the sound of frantic footsteps as he ran into the bathroom. The wife could hardly control herself as she rolled on the floor laughing, tears in her eyes! After years of torture she reckoned she had got him back pretty good. About twenty minutes later, her husband came downstairs in his bloodstained underpants with a look of horror on his face. She bit her lip as she asked him what was the matter. He said, "Honey, you were right. All these years you have warned me and I didn't listen to you." "What do you mean?" asked his wife. "Well, you always told me that one day I would end up f*rting my guts out, and today it finally happened. But by the grace of God, some Vaseline, and two fingers, I think I got most of them back in"