Two fat blokes in a pub, one says to the other "Your round."
The other one says "So are you, you fat bast**d!"
The other one says "So are you, you fat bast**d!"
The silly joke thread - NOT WORK SAFE
- Thread starter sparkes
- Start date
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A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only Clingfilm for shorts.
The shrink says, "Well, I can clearly see you're nuts."
The shrink says, "Well, I can clearly see you're nuts."
A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet. "My dog's cross-eyed, is there
anything you can do for him? " "Well," says the vet, "let's have a
look at him" So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his
teeth. Finally, he says, "I'm going to have to put him down."
"What? Because he's cross-eyed? "
"No, because he's really heavy"
anything you can do for him? " "Well," says the vet, "let's have a
look at him" So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his
teeth. Finally, he says, "I'm going to have to put him down."
"What? Because he's cross-eyed? "
"No, because he's really heavy"
A man came round in hospital after a serious accident. He shouted,
"Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!"
The doctor replied, "I know you can't, I've cut your arms off".
"Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!"
The doctor replied, "I know you can't, I've cut your arms off".
A blind bloke walks into a shop with a guide dog. He picks the dog up and starts swinging it around his head. Alarmed, a shop assistant calls out: 'Can I help, sir?' 'No thanks,' says the blind bloke. 'Just looking.'
"Doctor, Doctor, I think I'm a bridge?"
"What's come over you?"
"Oh, two cars, a large truck and a coach."
"What's come over you?"
"Oh, two cars, a large truck and a coach."
Doctor Doctor, what can I do? Everyone thinks I'm a liar..."
"I find that very hard to believe!"
"I find that very hard to believe!"
This guy was standing on a street corner and this blind man with his guide dog walked by. The guy thought "what a partnership - man and dog"
At that point the guide dog cocked its leg and peed on the blind mans leg and shoe. The blind man seemed to take a while to realise what had happened and then he bent down and gave the guide dog a biscuit.
The guy watched this and then said to the blind man "That's incredible! - the dog pees on your foot and you give it a biscuit - you must have a very good relationship with your dog"
The blind man replied -
"I suppose so, but I am just checking where his head is so I can kick him in the a*se."
At that point the guide dog cocked its leg and peed on the blind mans leg and shoe. The blind man seemed to take a while to realise what had happened and then he bent down and gave the guide dog a biscuit.
The guy watched this and then said to the blind man "That's incredible! - the dog pees on your foot and you give it a biscuit - you must have a very good relationship with your dog"
The blind man replied -
"I suppose so, but I am just checking where his head is so I can kick him in the a*se."
An Austrailian an Irishman and a Scouser are in a bar. They're staring at another man sitting on his own at a table in the corner. He's so familiar, and not recognising him is driving them mad. They stare and stare, until suddenly the Irishman twigs:
"My God, it's Jesus!"
Sure enough it is Jesus nursing a pint. Thrilled, they send him over a pint of Guinness, a pint of Fosters, and a pint of bitter. Jesus accepts the drinks smiles over at the three men, and drinks the pints slowly, one after another.
After he's finished the drinks, Jesus approaches the trio. He reaches for the hand of the Irishman and shakes it, thanking him for the Guinness. when he lets go, the Irishman gives a cry of amazement:
"My God! The arthritis I've had for 30 years is gone, Its' a miracle!"
Jesus then shakes the Aussie's hand, thanking him for the lager. As he let go, the man's eyes widen in shock.
"Strewth mate, the bad back Ive had all my life is completely gone! It's a miracle."
Jesus then approaches the Scouser who knocks over a chair and a table in trying to get away from the Son of God.
"Whats wrong?" says Jesus.
The Scouser shouts, "F--k Off, Im on disability benefit!"
"My God, it's Jesus!"
Sure enough it is Jesus nursing a pint. Thrilled, they send him over a pint of Guinness, a pint of Fosters, and a pint of bitter. Jesus accepts the drinks smiles over at the three men, and drinks the pints slowly, one after another.
After he's finished the drinks, Jesus approaches the trio. He reaches for the hand of the Irishman and shakes it, thanking him for the Guinness. when he lets go, the Irishman gives a cry of amazement:
"My God! The arthritis I've had for 30 years is gone, Its' a miracle!"
Jesus then shakes the Aussie's hand, thanking him for the lager. As he let go, the man's eyes widen in shock.
"Strewth mate, the bad back Ive had all my life is completely gone! It's a miracle."
Jesus then approaches the Scouser who knocks over a chair and a table in trying to get away from the Son of God.
"Whats wrong?" says Jesus.
The Scouser shouts, "F--k Off, Im on disability benefit!"
A man is driving along a highway and sees a rabbit jump out across the middle of the road. He swerves to avoid hitting it, but
unfortunately the rabbit jumps right in front of the car.
The driver, a sensitive man as well as an animal lover, pulls over and gets out to see what has become of the rabbit.
Much to his dismay, the rabbit is dead.
The driver feels so awful that he begins to cry.
A beautiful blonde woman driving down the highway sees a man crying on the side of the road and pulls over.
She steps out of the car and asks the man what's wrong.
" I feel terrible,"! He explains, "I accidentally hit this rabbit and killed it."
The blonde says, "Don't worry."
She runs to her car and pulls out a spray can. She walks over to the limp, dead rabbit, bends down, and sprays the contents onto the rabbit.
The rabbit jumps up, waves its paw at the two of
them and hops off down the road.
Ten feet away the rabbit stops, turns around and waves again, he hops down the road another 10 feet, turns and waves, hops another ten feet, turns and waves,
and repeats this again and again and again, until he hops out of sight.
The man is astonished.
He runs over to the woman and demands, "What is in that
can? What did you spray on that rabbit?"
The woman turns the can around so that the man can read the label.
It says..
(Are you ready for this?)
(Are you sure?)
(This is bad!)
(It's definitely a Blonde Joke!)
(You know you could just click off and not read the punch line....)
(You can still ignoe it)
(You know you're going to be sorry)
(Last chance)
(OK, here it is)
It says,
"Hair Spray - Restores life to dead hair, and adds permanent wave."
unfortunately the rabbit jumps right in front of the car.
The driver, a sensitive man as well as an animal lover, pulls over and gets out to see what has become of the rabbit.
Much to his dismay, the rabbit is dead.
The driver feels so awful that he begins to cry.
A beautiful blonde woman driving down the highway sees a man crying on the side of the road and pulls over.
She steps out of the car and asks the man what's wrong.
" I feel terrible,"! He explains, "I accidentally hit this rabbit and killed it."
The blonde says, "Don't worry."
She runs to her car and pulls out a spray can. She walks over to the limp, dead rabbit, bends down, and sprays the contents onto the rabbit.
The rabbit jumps up, waves its paw at the two of
them and hops off down the road.
Ten feet away the rabbit stops, turns around and waves again, he hops down the road another 10 feet, turns and waves, hops another ten feet, turns and waves,
and repeats this again and again and again, until he hops out of sight.
The man is astonished.
He runs over to the woman and demands, "What is in that
can? What did you spray on that rabbit?"
The woman turns the can around so that the man can read the label.
It says..
(Are you ready for this?)
(Are you sure?)
(This is bad!)
(It's definitely a Blonde Joke!)
(You know you could just click off and not read the punch line....)
(You can still ignoe it)
(You know you're going to be sorry)
(Last chance)
(OK, here it is)
It says,
"Hair Spray - Restores life to dead hair, and adds permanent wave."
A man goes to the doctor with a peice of lettuce sticking out of his bum!!!
The doctor tuts and says "this is just the tip of the iceberg"
The doctor tuts and says "this is just the tip of the iceberg"
Steve,really! I read that all the way through! You could be arrested for telling jokes like that.
How did they know the Thames whale was a female ?
It was 200 miles off course and couldn't reverse !!!!!!
It was 200 miles off course and couldn't reverse !!!!!!
Husband says to wife "my olympic condoms have arrived, I think I will wear gold tonight !!
Wife says"Why dont you wear silver and cum 2nd for a change"
Wife says"Why dont you wear silver and cum 2nd for a change"
I think I'll wait until His Moddyship as seen these before I post so I know what I can get away with. I've wasted enough time typing lately only to have it deleted let alone the cost of monitor ink.
Mod
If you do read this can you change the title to read "the silly joke thread - NOT WORK SAFE"
Thanks
If you do read this can you change the title to read "the silly joke thread - NOT WORK SAFE"
Thanks
A man goes to the doctors and says "I keep getting this same dream. I dream that all these beutiful naked women keep running towards me, and I keep pushing them away."
The doc asks, "what do you want me to do"
The man replies.. "break my arms"
The doc asks, "what do you want me to do"
The man replies.. "break my arms"
to help you guys out at valentine, a few verses to go in the cards
Love may be beautiful, love may be bliss, But I only slept with you, because I was pissed.
I thought that I could love no other, Until, that is, I met your brother.
Roses are red, violets are blue, sugar is sweet, and so are you. But the roses are wilting, the violets are dead, the sugar bowl's empty and so is your head.
Of loving beauty you float with grace. If only you could hide your face.
Kind, intelligent, loving and hot. This describes everything you are not.
I want to feel your sweet embrace, But don't take that paper bag off of your face.
I love your smile, your face, and your eyes. Damn, I'm good at telling lies!
My darling, my lover, my beautiful wife: Marrying you really screwed up my life.
I see your face when I am dreaming. That's why I always wake up screaming.
My love, you take my breath away. What have you stepped in to smell this way?
My feelings for you no words can tell - Except for maybe "Go To Hell".
What inspired this amorous rhyme? Two parts vodka, one part lime.
Love may be beautiful, love may be bliss, But I only slept with you, because I was pissed.
I thought that I could love no other, Until, that is, I met your brother.
Roses are red, violets are blue, sugar is sweet, and so are you. But the roses are wilting, the violets are dead, the sugar bowl's empty and so is your head.
Of loving beauty you float with grace. If only you could hide your face.
Kind, intelligent, loving and hot. This describes everything you are not.
I want to feel your sweet embrace, But don't take that paper bag off of your face.
I love your smile, your face, and your eyes. Damn, I'm good at telling lies!
My darling, my lover, my beautiful wife: Marrying you really screwed up my life.
I see your face when I am dreaming. That's why I always wake up screaming.
My love, you take my breath away. What have you stepped in to smell this way?
My feelings for you no words can tell - Except for maybe "Go To Hell".
What inspired this amorous rhyme? Two parts vodka, one part lime.
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Another newbie needing towing weight advice sorry!
- Started by birty
- Replies: 68
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