Why there are Agony Aunts and not Agony Uncles

[DerekBrad]

Dear Uncle Ted,

I hope you can help me here. The other day I set off for work leaving my husband in the house watching TV as usual. I hadn't gone more than a mile when my engine conked out and the car shuddered to a halt.I walked back home to get my husband to help. When I got home I couldn't believe my eyes. He was in the bedroom with a neighbour lady making passionate love to her.I am 32, my husband is 34 and we have been married for twelve years. When I confronted him, he said that he went out into the back yard and heard a lady scream, had gone to her rescue but found her unconscious. He'd carried her back to our house, laid her on the bed, and begun CPR.When she awoke she immediately began thanking him and kissing him and he was attempting to break free when I came back.But when I asked him why neither of them had any clothes on, he broke down and admitted that he'd been having an affair for the past six months. I told him to stop or I would leave him. He was let go from his job a few months ago and said he'd been feeling increasingly worthless. I love him very much, but since I gave him the ultimatum he has become even more distant.I don't feel that I can get through to him anymore. Can you please help me?

Sincerely,

Susie Fox

Dear Susie,

A car stalling after being driven a short distance can be caused by a variety of faults.Start by checking that there is no debris in the fuel line. If it is clear, check the clips holding the vacuum lines to your inlet manifold for air leaks. If none of these approaches solves the problem, it could be that the fuel pump itself is faulty, causing low delivery pressure to the carburettor float chamber. I hope this helps.

Uncle Ted

Merry Christmas all

Derek

 

[LMH]

Brilliant!!!

Lisa

 

[Parksy]

Very good Derek, I like it.

Of course regular users of this forum will know that at great expense Practical Caravan have managed to secure the services of an agony uncle to help members of this forum with their.... ahem... delicate personal issues.

This sensitive and discrete individual has offered to provide advice of a confidential nature to those seeking spiritual solace with only a small donation payable to the Screwam Hall annexe for fallen women.

Just post your problem onto this forum, your secrecy is assured, and our very own agony uncle will attend to you difficulties immediately if not sooner.

He is of course none other than Uncle Braykewynde

 

[machighlander]

Dear Forum Members,

i have a dillema on my hands. i have suspected for a long while that my wife has been over friendly with a guy from work, but had no evidence to back this up.

however, last friday they were having their works night out and i said i would come and pick her up at the end of the evening to ensure she got home safely. she declined my offer of goodwill and said that transport was provided by the company to make sure everyone was transpoerted home safely, and i hadn't to wait up as they didnt know where the drop off points would be first. this aroused my suspiscions further, so i laid out a cunning plan.

our driveway looks out to the opposite street where any traffic approaching have to use it to gain access to our home. in our driveway is our caravan, now then i thought, i will wait until the wee small hours and go out to the driveway and hide at the side of the caravan which would give me a perfect viewpoint of the street opposite.

i got myself wrapped up really warm to combat the freezing conditions and then went out to my lair.

hour by hour passed and there was no sign of any approaching vehicles at all. i was just about to give up when i heard some faint giggling and laughing noises coming from that area. my nerves were on end, who was this ?, then all of a sudden my worst nightmare unfolded,there they were, together and wrapped around each others arms, kissing, hugging and whispering sweet things to each other. i felt physically sick at seeing this, then i noticed she hadnt her black tights on below her mini skirt, they were on when she went out. as you can imagine, my mind was in turmoil, suddenly, i realised i was going to be in full view of them within a moments time, so i darted around to the rear of the caravan to remain discreet. guess what i saw the ?, oh no, it cant possibly be i told myself. but yep, sure as christ, there they were, the infamous black streaks runnig down the back of my caravan, please help, what will shift them, autglymn or white spirit ?.

cheers.

 

[Sproket]

Off

 

[forestgump]

try a pair off damp black tights removes my tains

 

[Lord Braykewynde]

Dear highlander, what a dilemma. Try to stay calm and understanding with your wife and be grateful that if it wasn't for her dilly dallying and sharing out her nuptials you wouldn't have seen the dreaded streaks. Show her your gratitude and forgiveness by wining and dining her on the morrow. Point out to her the dreaded streaks and I'm sure that being racked with guilt she will put herself to the arduous task of removing them forthwith, if only to please you.

There will be a bottle of Windy's Blackstreak Remover on it's way to you for being the Star Whinge Of The Week. Be a man and tell her to read the instructions and get on with it while you go off to the pub. She could always use her discarded ripped tights to apply the streak remover.

Your good lady must have been doing something right by feeding you the correct food to be able to see those black streaks in the dead of night.

Regards, Uncle Windy.

 

[machighlander]

lordy, ye are a minefield of information, that is a good suggestion ye made, however, my dillema isny ower the wummin thing, its my beloved Abbey having these stains running down her backside.

 

[forestgump]

try babby wipes and a light over winter with some preperation h

 

[Lord Braykewynde]

lordy, ye are a minefield of information, that is a good suggestion ye made, however, my dillema isny ower the wummin thing, its my beloved Abbey having these stains running down her backside.

Dear Highlander, you failed to mention Abbey. Is Abbey your daughter or your mistress. If she is the former try changing her gripe water to cure the stains. If Abbey is your mistress have a word with the Matron at a nearby Nursing Home. Incontinent pads are a help but not a cure. Hope this helps, regards, Uncle Windy.

 

[machighlander]

Dear Highlander, you failed to mention Abbey. Is Abbey your daughter or your mistress. If she is the former try changing her gripe water to cure the stains. If Abbey is your mistress have a word with the Matron at a nearby Nursing Home. Incontinent pads are a help but not a cure. Hope this helps, regards, Uncle Windy.

forgot tae mention m'lord, will the torn off tights be ok tae use on the paintwork ?.