Covid Christmas rules


Nov 12, 2009
There have been some weighty discussions on the message boards about C19, so for a bit of light relief from the doom and gloom here are some Christmas rules stolen from Facebook

1. Chocolate must be kept behind tiny numbered doors
2. All bells are legally required to jingle
3. Days are to be renamed 'sleeps'
4. Shopping is now an extreme sport
6. Mariah Carey will follow you wherever you go
7. Pets are now forced to wear a variety of festive attire
8. Michael Bublé appears on every TV channel
9. Chocolate is now the sixth food group
10. Lords a'leaping
11. Deodorant and shower gel become popular gifts
12. So do Frankincense and Myrrh
13. And a pair of front teeth
14.You are required to have a very strong opinion on whether or not Die Hard is or isn’t a Christmas film
15. You are required to have a very strong opinion on whether or not Yorkshire puddings belong in a Christmas dinner
16. You are required to have a very strong opinion on the Strawberry Creme
17.Chocolate coins are now legal tender
18. All hats must be made of paper
19. All puddings must be set on fire
20. All halls must be decked
21. All oranges must be brown and made of chocolate
22. All screwdrivers must be tiny and supplied with rubbish jokes
23. All food must be available in a limited edition white chocolate version
24. This year, to save yourself from tears, please resist the urge to give people your vital organs except through official means of donation
25. TV adverts are now a big deal all of a sudden
26. Garden sheds become grottos
27. The end of the Sellotape will be impossible to find
28. The Batmobile must lose a wheel (on the motorway)
29. Thermostat settings become hotly contested
30. You're allowed to be disappointed if your advent calendar only goes up to 24 - surely the big chocolate should be for Christmas Day?
31. One horse open sleighs are now an acceptable mode of transport
32. So are camels
33. The Argos catalogue becomes a must-read
34. Garish novelty jumpers become high fashion
35. Very large socks must hold very small presents
36. They are to be stored directly above a large fire
37. Reindeer can now fly
38. Penguins still can’t, which is a shame
39. Trees must live inside the house
40. They must be covered in tiny, edible walking sticks
41. Sales of partridges in pear trees go through the roof
42. Everyone must talk about if it will be a white Christmas, even though it literally never happens
43. Every meal comes with a side order of mince pies
44. Petrol stations become last minute shopping centres
45. All drinks must be mulled (except smoothies, which make excellent Christmas presents)
46. You are allowed to wish it could be Christmas, or at least a bank holiday, every day
47. Cakes must mature in the garage for 3-6 months
48. Fa must be followed by 8 ‘la’s
49. Monarchs must travel in threes
50. You must eat a sprout (sorry - we don’t make the rules)
51. Crackers must now be two metres long
52. Mistletoe is illegal
53. Carol singing is a biochemical hazard
54. The lyrics to “Driving Home for Christmas” have been changed to “Driving 280 miles from London to Durham”
55. The office Christmas party must now take place over Zoom but that is still no reason to not embarrass yourself
56. Dancer must self-isolate because Prancer has tested positive
57. Santa must scan a QR code with the Track and Trace app before entering every house
58. Christmas puddings can now be doused with your choice of brandy or hand sanitiser
59. All Monopoly-based falling outs are now limited to three households
60. Santa’s elves are now classed as key workers
61. The three wise men can only form a support bubble between the 23rd and the 27th
62. Netflix are to release a sordid documentary starring Santa Exotic as the Reindeer King
63. You’d better not scream, you’d better not shout, because that might spread disease about
64. Whilst it might be beginning to look a lot like Christmas, if you find that it’s not beginning to smell a lot like Christmas then you may have lost your sense of smell and you should get yourself tested.
65. Toilet roll is now a kind and thoughtful gift
Jul 15, 2008
A little robin tells me that one of the sticking points in the Brexit negotiations is whether the UK can accept the 40% tariff that will apply to Santa Claus making his December 25th deliveries from 2021 onwards.
The Santa Claus distributions centre that covers the UK is based in Lapland which is part of the EU.
The German Chancellor Angela Merkel is believed to have offered to waive the penal tariff if British prime ministers will agree to don costume and carry out all future UK deliveries at the expense of the UK tax payers.
The British government is mindful to agree to this part of the deal as they are positive they can use more modern electric reindeer which will be much cheaper to run with far less harmful emissions being produced.
It is said to be a win win situation for the UK as we will become the world leaders in electronic reindeer production.

Remember heard this unbelievable breaking news on here first!!!


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