There are postings regarding the luck for being both English and Scottish here so I am going to start one on the joys and virtues of being WELSH. I will not list the joys and virtues on here because the mods will only edit my long posting but I am sure no matter what part of the UK you are from you will realize the JOYS and VIRTUES of being WELSH.
Lucky to be Welsh
- Thread starter colin(bridgend)
- Start date
One of the joys of being Welsh is that you save on electricity. Theres no need for lighting now the sheep glow in the dark from the Chernobyl fallout.
Wales, where the men are men and the sheep are nervous...
Q: What do you call a sheep tied to a fence in Wales?
A: A leisure center.
Q. What do you call a Welshman with many girlfriends?
A. A Shepherd.
Q. Did you hear that Welsh people have discovered a new use for sheep?
A. Wool.
Q: What do you call a sheep tied to a fence in Wales?
A: A leisure center.
Q. What do you call a Welshman with many girlfriends?
A. A Shepherd.
Q. Did you hear that Welsh people have discovered a new use for sheep?
A. Wool.
Wales' second airport
The Welsh Assembly announced recently the opening of Wales's second airport, the Gurnos Estate International Airport in Merthyr Tydfil.
The first flight to arrive was the 11.50 Virgin Airlines Cross-Atlantic flight from America. The people from Gurnos estate were so excited that they raced to meet the flight, as it was the first Virgin seen in the area for 20 years.
The return journey to America was due for departure at 12.30, but it was delayed because when the pilot went to the aircraft he found it up on blocks and stripped to the bone. As a result every house in the Gurnos now has a new hall carpet, every lounge now has a reclining chair, every bed has new pillow cases, and Mrs Bowen who is living on the end of the street has a new number for the house, number 747.
The Welsh Assembly announced recently the opening of Wales's second airport, the Gurnos Estate International Airport in Merthyr Tydfil.
The first flight to arrive was the 11.50 Virgin Airlines Cross-Atlantic flight from America. The people from Gurnos estate were so excited that they raced to meet the flight, as it was the first Virgin seen in the area for 20 years.
The return journey to America was due for departure at 12.30, but it was delayed because when the pilot went to the aircraft he found it up on blocks and stripped to the bone. As a result every house in the Gurnos now has a new hall carpet, every lounge now has a reclining chair, every bed has new pillow cases, and Mrs Bowen who is living on the end of the street has a new number for the house, number 747.
Old Jones' nickname
A man moves to a village in Wales and gets talking to an old man from the village.
He asks the old man what his name is, but the old man gets very irate at this point and says:
- See that line of houses over there? I built them all, but do they call me Jones the house builder? Do they hell!
- See those railway lines over there? I laid them all, but do they call me Jones the engineer? Do they hell!
- See those bridges over that river? I built them all, but do they call me Jones the bridge builder? Do they hell!
- But, a long long time ago, I sh*gged ONE sheep...
A man moves to a village in Wales and gets talking to an old man from the village.
He asks the old man what his name is, but the old man gets very irate at this point and says:
- See that line of houses over there? I built them all, but do they call me Jones the house builder? Do they hell!
- See those railway lines over there? I laid them all, but do they call me Jones the engineer? Do they hell!
- See those bridges over that river? I built them all, but do they call me Jones the bridge builder? Do they hell!
- But, a long long time ago, I sh*gged ONE sheep...
PRESS RELEASE:
Hospitals right across Wales are getting ready for a birth explosion this coming Xmas and are already trying to recruit extra medical staff to cope.
"It's is a worrying side effect of foot and mouth, with the country side closed off and so many dead sheep, our women are bound to be getting a bit more attention" said Gwyn Lloyd Jones of South Glamorgan Health Trust.
The UFWWL (Ugly Fat Welsh Women's League) has reported that they are overjoyed with the situation and are campaigning for a stop to sheep farming in Wales for good. "It's wonderful. All the women in our village are getting some at the moment", said a 25 year old fat Welsh munter.
Hospitals right across Wales are getting ready for a birth explosion this coming Xmas and are already trying to recruit extra medical staff to cope.
"It's is a worrying side effect of foot and mouth, with the country side closed off and so many dead sheep, our women are bound to be getting a bit more attention" said Gwyn Lloyd Jones of South Glamorgan Health Trust.
The UFWWL (Ugly Fat Welsh Women's League) has reported that they are overjoyed with the situation and are campaigning for a stop to sheep farming in Wales for good. "It's wonderful. All the women in our village are getting some at the moment", said a 25 year old fat Welsh munter.
TOP 10 REASONS FOR BEING ENGLISH
1. Two World Wars and One World Cup.
2. Warm beer.
3. You get to confuse everyone with the rules of cricket.
4. You get to accept defeat graciously in major sporting events.
5. Union jack underpants.
6. Water shortages guaranteed every single summer.
7. You can live in the past and imagine you are still a world power.
8. Bathing once a week - whether you need to or not.
9. Ditto changing underwear.
10. Beats being Welsh.
TOP 10 REASONS FOR BEING SCOTTISH
1. You ain't English!
2. You ain't English!
3. You ain't English!
4. You ain't English!
5. You ain't English!
6. You ain't English!
7. You ain't English!
8. You ain't English!
9. You ain't English!
10. You ain't English!
TOP 10 REASONS FOR BEING IRISH
1. Guinness.
2. 18 children because you can't use contraceptives.
3. You can get into a fight just by marching down someone's road.
4. Pubs never close.
5. Can use Papal edicts on contraception passed in second Vatican Council of 1968 to persuade your girlfriend that you can't have sex with a condom on.
6. No one can ever remember the night before.
7. Kill people you don't agree with.
8. Stew.
9. More Guinness.
10. Eating stew and drinking Guinness in an Irish pub at 3 in the morning after a bout of sectarian violence.
TOP 10 REASONS FOR BEING WELSH
1. You've got to be having a laugh, haven't you?
1. Two World Wars and One World Cup.
2. Warm beer.
3. You get to confuse everyone with the rules of cricket.
4. You get to accept defeat graciously in major sporting events.
5. Union jack underpants.
6. Water shortages guaranteed every single summer.
7. You can live in the past and imagine you are still a world power.
8. Bathing once a week - whether you need to or not.
9. Ditto changing underwear.
10. Beats being Welsh.
TOP 10 REASONS FOR BEING SCOTTISH
1. You ain't English!
2. You ain't English!
3. You ain't English!
4. You ain't English!
5. You ain't English!
6. You ain't English!
7. You ain't English!
8. You ain't English!
9. You ain't English!
10. You ain't English!
TOP 10 REASONS FOR BEING IRISH
1. Guinness.
2. 18 children because you can't use contraceptives.
3. You can get into a fight just by marching down someone's road.
4. Pubs never close.
5. Can use Papal edicts on contraception passed in second Vatican Council of 1968 to persuade your girlfriend that you can't have sex with a condom on.
6. No one can ever remember the night before.
7. Kill people you don't agree with.
8. Stew.
9. More Guinness.
10. Eating stew and drinking Guinness in an Irish pub at 3 in the morning after a bout of sectarian violence.
TOP 10 REASONS FOR BEING WELSH
1. You've got to be having a laugh, haven't you?
Following complaints made to the IRB about the All Blacks being allowed to motivate themselves by performing the 'Haka' before their games, other nations were asked to suggest pre-match rituals of their own. The IRB Rugby World Cup 2003 Organising Committee has now agreed to the following pre-match displays:
a.. The England team will chat about the weather, wave hankies in the air, attach bells to their ankles and dance around like nancy-boys before moaning about how they invented the game and gave it to the world, and how it's not fair that everyone still thinks New Zealand are the best team in the world.
b.. The Scotland team will chant 'You lookin' at me Jimmy?" before smashing an Iron Bru bottle over their opponents' heads.
c.. The Ireland team will split into two, with the Southern half performing a Riverdance, while the Northerners march the Traditional route from their dressing room to the pitch, via their opponents dressing room.
d.. With regret, unfortunately the Committee were unable to accept the Welsh suggestion following strong representations from the RSPCA and the Lamb Marketing Board..
a.. The England team will chat about the weather, wave hankies in the air, attach bells to their ankles and dance around like nancy-boys before moaning about how they invented the game and gave it to the world, and how it's not fair that everyone still thinks New Zealand are the best team in the world.
b.. The Scotland team will chant 'You lookin' at me Jimmy?" before smashing an Iron Bru bottle over their opponents' heads.
c.. The Ireland team will split into two, with the Southern half performing a Riverdance, while the Northerners march the Traditional route from their dressing room to the pitch, via their opponents dressing room.
d.. With regret, unfortunately the Committee were unable to accept the Welsh suggestion following strong representations from the RSPCA and the Lamb Marketing Board..
The Welsh Film Industry:
Now that Catherine Zeta-Jones-Douglas has become firmly established in Hollywood, the Welsh film industry is to receive additional funding to step up production. They are going to remake many well known films, but this time with a Welsh flavour. The following are planned for release next year:
* 9 1/2 Leeks
* Trefforest Gump
* Cwmando
* The Lost Boyos
* An American in Powys
* Huw Dares Gwyneth
* Dai Hard
* The Wizard of Oswestry
* Cool Hand Look-you
* Sheepless in Seattle
* The Eagle has Llandudno
* The Magnificent Severn
* Haverfordwest Was Won
* Austin Powys
* The Magic Rhonddabout
* Independence Dai
* The Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwllllantysiliogogogoch That Time Forgot
Now that Catherine Zeta-Jones-Douglas has become firmly established in Hollywood, the Welsh film industry is to receive additional funding to step up production. They are going to remake many well known films, but this time with a Welsh flavour. The following are planned for release next year:
* 9 1/2 Leeks
* Trefforest Gump
* Cwmando
* The Lost Boyos
* An American in Powys
* Huw Dares Gwyneth
* Dai Hard
* The Wizard of Oswestry
* Cool Hand Look-you
* Sheepless in Seattle
* The Eagle has Llandudno
* The Magnificent Severn
* Haverfordwest Was Won
* Austin Powys
* The Magic Rhonddabout
* Independence Dai
* The Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwllllantysiliogogogoch That Time Forgot
Can I please clear something up?
LB where do you live
Colin (Bridgend) where is the aforementioned place, is that where you live?
I am no good at Geography so easy answers please.
Lolly x
LB where do you live
Colin (Bridgend) where is the aforementioned place, is that where you live?
I am no good at Geography so easy answers please.
Lolly x
A few points regarding the English posting:
The English did not win the first/second world wars - it was the British and he allies.
The Union Jack is the flag of the United Kingdom and not England.
The cricket board is referred to as the England and Wales Cricket Board and on many occassions there have been Welsh players in the test team.
The English do not accept defeat gracefully - a classic case is the English football fan abroad.
I can go on but I now have to go out now for an afternoon meal but I will be back this evening.
The English did not win the first/second world wars - it was the British and he allies.
The Union Jack is the flag of the United Kingdom and not England.
The cricket board is referred to as the England and Wales Cricket Board and on many occassions there have been Welsh players in the test team.
The English do not accept defeat gracefully - a classic case is the English football fan abroad.
I can go on but I now have to go out now for an afternoon meal but I will be back this evening.
Three babies
Three men are sitting in the maternity ward. One is an Englishman, one a Welshman and the other a Jamaican. Suddenly the doctor comes and says,
"Gentlemen, your wives have all had little boys! However in the confusion we may have mixed the babies up. Could you come to the nursery to help us identify them?"
The Welshman ran to the nursery, picked up a dark-skinned baby with dreadlocks and said,
"This boy is mine."
The surprised doctor said, "But this child looks Jamaican."
"True," said the Welshman "but there is a fifty fifty chance that one of the others is English, and I'm not taking the risk."
Three men are sitting in the maternity ward. One is an Englishman, one a Welshman and the other a Jamaican. Suddenly the doctor comes and says,
"Gentlemen, your wives have all had little boys! However in the confusion we may have mixed the babies up. Could you come to the nursery to help us identify them?"
The Welshman ran to the nursery, picked up a dark-skinned baby with dreadlocks and said,
"This boy is mine."
The surprised doctor said, "But this child looks Jamaican."
"True," said the Welshman "but there is a fifty fifty chance that one of the others is English, and I'm not taking the risk."
What do you call a Welsh farmer with a sheep under one arm and a goat under the other?
Bisexual!
The Welsh farmer's wife gave him a plate of grass for his dinner.
"What the hell is this?" he screamed.
"Well," replied his wife, "If it's good enough for your girlfriend, then it's good enough for you!"
What is the one thing that you can't get in Wales?
Virgin wool!
One day a man walked into a pub in Wales and ordered a pint of beer. All the other men in the bar looked at him and the barman asked, "You're not from around here, are you sir?"
"No," replied the man, "I am from London."
"So, boyo," said the barman, "What do you do for a living then?"
"I'm a taxidermist." replied the man.
"A taxidermist?" asked the barman, "What's one of them then?"
"Well," replied the man, "I mount animals."
The barman then turned to all the other welshmen in the bar and said, "It's ok lad's, he's one of us!"
Bisexual!
The Welsh farmer's wife gave him a plate of grass for his dinner.
"What the hell is this?" he screamed.
"Well," replied his wife, "If it's good enough for your girlfriend, then it's good enough for you!"
What is the one thing that you can't get in Wales?
Virgin wool!
One day a man walked into a pub in Wales and ordered a pint of beer. All the other men in the bar looked at him and the barman asked, "You're not from around here, are you sir?"
"No," replied the man, "I am from London."
"So, boyo," said the barman, "What do you do for a living then?"
"I'm a taxidermist." replied the man.
"A taxidermist?" asked the barman, "What's one of them then?"
"Well," replied the man, "I mount animals."
The barman then turned to all the other welshmen in the bar and said, "It's ok lad's, he's one of us!"
Three farmers talking about Sheep.
English Farmer " I like to get them with their legs up on the wall and sneak up from behind "
Scottish Farmer " well I wait until they are climbing over the gate and then sneak up from behind.
The Welsh Farmers say " Oh boyos all this sneaking up from behind is no good " see in Wales we drop the hind legs down the front of the wellies and then have our wicked way.
Scottish and English Farmers look at each other and then say how can that be better ??. Well boyo the way you do it.
NO Kissing see
Frank Val's Welsh !!!!!!!!!!!!
English Farmer " I like to get them with their legs up on the wall and sneak up from behind "
Scottish Farmer " well I wait until they are climbing over the gate and then sneak up from behind.
The Welsh Farmers say " Oh boyos all this sneaking up from behind is no good " see in Wales we drop the hind legs down the front of the wellies and then have our wicked way.
Scottish and English Farmers look at each other and then say how can that be better ??. Well boyo the way you do it.
NO Kissing see
Frank Val's Welsh !!!!!!!!!!!!
On the train to Bridgend
Two Welshmen travelling at night from Blackpool to Bridgend got into an empty compartment at the end of the train and went to sleep.
Later the train stopped suddenly at a station and woke them up.
"Dai, have a look out of the window and see where we are," said Will.
Dai looked out. "Oh, we're in Cheltenham", he said.
"That's all right", said Will, "we don't have to change until Cardiff."
An hour later the train stopped again, and again Will asked Dai to look out for the name of the station.
Dai again said it was Cheltenham.
"Funny", said Will, "I didn't know there were two Cheltenhams."
A third time the train stopped. "Cheltenham again," said Dai.
"Come off it, there can't be three Cheltenhams", said Will, "let's have a look" . . .
"Get away, mun, that's not 'Cheltenham', it's 'Gentlemen'."
Liz
Two Welshmen travelling at night from Blackpool to Bridgend got into an empty compartment at the end of the train and went to sleep.
Later the train stopped suddenly at a station and woke them up.
"Dai, have a look out of the window and see where we are," said Will.
Dai looked out. "Oh, we're in Cheltenham", he said.
"That's all right", said Will, "we don't have to change until Cardiff."
An hour later the train stopped again, and again Will asked Dai to look out for the name of the station.
Dai again said it was Cheltenham.
"Funny", said Will, "I didn't know there were two Cheltenhams."
A third time the train stopped. "Cheltenham again," said Dai.
"Come off it, there can't be three Cheltenhams", said Will, "let's have a look" . . .
"Get away, mun, that's not 'Cheltenham', it's 'Gentlemen'."
Liz
Trust the Welsh to let the side down no replies from Colin, promises,promises, I will be on this forum this evening.
Don't let the English or the Scotish get you down Colin,
Cornwall is on your side. (",) Liz
Don't let the English or the Scotish get you down Colin,
Cornwall is on your side. (",) Liz
Don't let the English or the Scotish get you down Colin,
Cornwall is on your side. (",) Liz
That will be the Spanish backing you up then Colin.
Val & Frank
Cornwall is on your side. (",) Liz
That will be the Spanish backing you up then Colin.
Val & Frank
Mel
Moderator
colin what have you done? You have unleashed an entire repertoire of Welsh jokes, especially the sheep ones. Of course us Welsh have never heard sheep jokes before. I do know a really crude joke about a valleys woman and a vicar, but it is not suitable for printing.
I do know a really crude joke about a valleys woman and a vicar, but it is not suitable for printing.
Come on change it a little, I'm sure we will be able to make it out. Or print it in Welsh !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!.
You from the valleys to then Mel
Val & frank
Come on change it a little, I'm sure we will be able to make it out. Or print it in Welsh !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!.
You from the valleys to then Mel
Val & frank
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